Tuesday, October 30, 2012


Hubs and I did a Halloween Half Marathon on Saturday. We ran in graduation robes and shopko scarves all fancied up with red duct tape.
 Gryffindor forever!  
Originally I was going to be catwoman--easy enough, black running outfit, mask and ears taped to my sunglasses, but then there's the whole "Are you trying to be sexy?" question, and I find going with that theme often leads to a certain level of pathetic. I can only imagine that pathetic-ness is emphasized by 13 miles, runny nose, sweat and smelliness. And the unwelcome but mandatory comparison between catwoman's bottom and mine. So I went with a shapeless black robe. Cozy.
We were not so well prepared for this one, and they had to change the course due to snow so there was a brief uphill climb which was an unwelcome surprise. I came in at 2:45. But that was running in a full on robe, and in the cold, and not fully trained. So whatevs. Now to actually prepare for our next one in April!
After the race I recovered with my kid's Halloween party candy, compression socks, coke zero and an ice pack. Can't beat that.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Being Productive

I start with big plans to clean the whole house and get all the laundry done, and yet stuff just seems to keep piling up on me...

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

An Excellent Birthday Cry

I was very blessed this morning in that I was scheduled to work with patients today, and there were no patients. So I got to be alone, in a quiet place where I am comfortable, and have a complete breakdown. It was fantastic. I wasn't at home stressing and freaking out my kids, and I wasn't surrounded by people who want to help but can't stop staring at my nose which doubles in size when I bawl. And I really needed a good sob. It has been a long, long time. Like since right after Lily died. Almost 2 years. Which is crazy because I used to cry A LOT. Especially at work.
I have been increasingly agitated the past week or so as Lily's birthday approached. Her birth day was not very happy. Her life was not very happy. It's no secret that I'm still somewhat haunted by it all. Nothing was wrapped up in neat little bow. You never get over losing a child, but I really haven't gotten over Lily. Not her death, not her life. It's in sharp contrast to Charlotte who is my cheeky little girl in heaven. I miss her, I wish I could squeeze her, but I don't mourn. I don't grieve anymore.
Oh I grieve Lily.
The truth is, in my mind, I didn't try hard enough. In my mind, I remember her sad little self and I remember feeling relief when she died. And I know that's normal. I know feeling that way after the death of someone who has suffered is incredibly normal and okay, and there's no reason to feel guilt. But as time has gone on, sometimes I only remember that relief, and I feel horrible.
This morning I posted her picture on my blog, and on facebook, and started to bawl. The facebook comments started rolling in, and I pushed my phone away and tried to study. Or plan next week's meals. Or maybe go walk the halls. But I couldn't. I was sobbing.
I went back and read her life. I've done it before, I know, but this time I had no distractions except my sobs and I read from the moment she was born to a week after she died. And I've been remembering it wrong. I didn't give up on her. We tried everything. We rushed her to the hospital multiple times a weekend. We were on hospice for heaven's sake. And when she died, I let her. I think that's what haunts me. Should I have rushed her to the ER again? Should I have done CPR at the end? No. Heavens, no. But something about that letting go...I'm having trouble letting go of it.
But I just want to remember this moment, after two hours of sobbing and shaking and wondering if I would ever stop, I'm okay now. I'm sitting in the sun in a quiet room I've known since before any of my kids were born, and I'm okay. I have peace right now. Tomorrow I may question everything again, every move I made during Lily's life, and all this will be complicated by the fact I don't remember much about it...I had two infants and a 2 year old after all...I was exhausted emotionally and physically...and I think that makes me wonder if I did all right by Lily. I think I did. But I can't remember.
I spent Lily's whole life waiting for it to start. I thought "After we transfer. After we get home. After the g-tube. After the meds kick in. After her skin heals. After heart surgery. After all of that...we can start." And it never did. And I feel like I missed it. I feel like I missed out. It's okay. I'm just waiting again. After this life, after I raise my family here, after I watch them grow and I grow old with my husband, after I die. We Can Start. We can start again, Lily. But for now, I have to focus on here. On Ava. On Ella. On teaching, raising, feeding, comforting, disciplining, loving them. But when the time is right, we will start again. And I know Lily is busy too.

Thank goodness I blogged. Thank goodness I have this window into those weeks, where I talk about her baths, her ER visits, her seizures, her sats, her skin, her fauxhawks, her funny cry, her little toy mouse. I may not remember it all that clearly, and that's really what haunts me. But I can read her story, like an uninvolved observer, and say "Yes. That mom did alright." And we will start again, someday.

Happy 2nd Birthday Lily

Sweet Baby Girl. I love you, I miss you, my heart aches to know you.
Till we meet again.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Cast off.

The cast comes off.

Cast on.

The cast goes on...

Friday, October 12, 2012


Let this be the only "stash" I ever discover under my daughter's bed. Amen.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Testing blogger for iPhone...

Hello Friends!

I've been playing around with ye olde Blogge this morning. The reasoning being that I am back in school and should be writing a paper on nursing theories and diffusion of innovation, and needed something to use as a procrastinating tool. In a couple of weeks I should be obtaining a brand new personal laptop on which to do schoolwork, so most likely I will be back to active blogging! (when I should be schooling.) Aren't you pumped!? Woot woot!
Now, I know my life has been greatly downgraded in the drama department, which is great for me but not so great for interesting and tragic blogging. BUT I feel my normal, happy, busy life of mormon mom/nurse/student is still worth recording, if only for posterity and my own entertainment. Yes, reading the highs and lows of half marathon training and potty training is not the same as updates on super babies being born and fighting joyfully through their chaotic, terrifying, wonderful, worth every moment lives, but to everything there is a season. And this season is calm.
So if you are still around, feel free to drop in and say hi, visit my nutso kids and I. We are still here, pluggin along, and know you are too. And that's awesome.

First of all: Happy Birthday to my Dear Ella Bella! Four years old today. This morning Ava announced "Ella has to go to her next party today!" Yes it has been a week. Monday she had a few pals over for cake and a snake hunt in her African Safari themed bash. Wednesday she took donuts to school and had a song sung to her. She confided in me the Target donuts were no good, and she gave hers away. Huh. And today she is enjoying her first ever field trip at preschool with Grandma and Grandpa, then she is going to Arctic Circle for lunch, and tonight she is going to dinner and getting MORE PRESENTS. Including the big one, which is a bike with pedals. (Not a balance bike, which she pointed out is missing pedals and the cheapo one I bought her last Christmas never left the back porch. Hooray.) Also she got a bathrobe she's very proud of.

School: I'm back in school at Western Governors University getting my Masters of Nursing Education. And we will see where that leads in 2014.

House: Our house never sold. It's still on the market but...eh. There are currently four town homes for sale on our street, and one is a short sale, and for the same price you can have a stand alone house with a big backyard in the neighborhood. So....eh. The experience has taught me to keep a cleaner home, to make the bed each morning, and organize better. And it's made me realize how much I like our town home with it's unfinished basement for storage and high ceilings and brand new plumbing and big garden tub, and fire sprinkler system and general newness. And I do love my bedroom. I will miss my bedroom when the time comes to leave. But looks like that's still a couple years down the road. Which is fine.

Running: Next half marathon is October 27. Thank goodness it's downhill. I am not quite so prepared as I was for the last one. I think I will survive, but not with flying colors.

Fall: I LOVE FALL! It's the best. Enjoying pumpkin patches, cornbellys, my new cozy sweatshirt dress, and preparing to dress as a Pirate Family for Halloween. Ava insists she is going to be Mr. Smee. Hmmm.
And now I will really study for a minute.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012


Found a file on my computer at work entited "FATTY" and clicked on it to find this.
Little Lily Fatty Face just stopping in to wish her big sis a happy Fourth Birthday.