Monday, May 14, 2012


The day after MOTHER'S DAY

This year it hit home that I have *THREE* amazing mothers who brought my family into being. Other than myself of course. My mother, my husband's mother, and Ava's first mother. 

Oh my sweet little mommy, who during my formative years made her expectations and opinions clear, who drove us all over hell and gone to help us meet our potentials, who was when necessary tough and when required, very tender, who only wanted the best for us even when we were at our worst. Who's love and devotion was never in question, who worried too much, who always waited up, who packed sack lunches into the college years, who supplied a warm, happy, love-filled home even when we were in our brattiest, angriest, most rebellious stages.  Our relationship wasn't always perfect, as relationships between teenage girls and their mothers don't tend to be. She didn't want me selling myself short. She believed I could do math when I could not. She wasn't wild about my boyfriend selections for the most part.  But now I rely on my mommy more than ever. I talk to her daily. I envy her style. I don't know how she kept the house spotless every day of my life. I drop my kids off with her more often than she'd probably prefer. I can't help but spill all the gossip I have to her, vent over my work frustrations, complain about life in general, cry occasionally. She taught me to love reading, writing, quiet time, and to clean just a little bit every day. (It doesn't work as well for me however.)  Happily, I know she's proud of me. I tease her often about how relieved she should be, with how we've all turned out when there were times our futures seemed so perilous.  I hope she knows how much I love her and how much I need her. I hope she knows what a incredible, funny, sweet, fun mom she was and is. More fun by the minute, really. As we play family basketball and my siblings and I pick her up and trot her around the court and lift her skirt over her head when she makes a basket, I find myself thinking that truly, family is what matters most and I'm so lucky mine is so awesome. 

My mother in law raised my husband from a shrieking bright red ear-infection prone baby into one of the kindest, most sensitive, hard working, humble and strong men I have ever met. She finds the good in everyone, she smiles through everything. When Charlotte stopped breathing as a 3 month old and we thought it was the end, our room in the ER was in total chaos until she arrived. And then she took little post-ictal wailing, shaking Charlotte and rocked her and hummed and smiled in her face, and Charlotte went to sleep. And we all calmed down, and stopped crying, and sat down, and when Charlotte woke up, she was herself again. That is the effect she has on everyone. Calming. Cheering. She is confident with fatally ill infants and screaming angry toddlers. She is comforting to young couples weeping over an unexpected major trial or just bummed about a little weight gain. She is kind, happy and peaceful. I am so, so lucky to have such a mother-in-law. And it's also cool that I can send my kids to her with too-big pants around their ankles and pick them up dressed in custom altered outfits. 

And dear M. The first mother of my incredibly sweet, feisty, funny, beautiful Ava. M is the bravest woman I know. All she's been through, all she's endured, she is always full of hope, smiles, faith, and optimism. She is beautiful, she is funny, she is so, so smart. And good. She is at once young and wise, a student and a teacher. I am so grateful to have such a woman as part of our family, and I hope and pray Ava will grow up knowing and loving this woman who gave her birth, her beauty, her ancient heritage, and her middle name. 

Happy Mother's Day to all the mommies out there, those who are, those who will be. Now or later, in this world or the next. 

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Friday, May 11, 2012

Meet Baby Booferd

about four months old.

Wednesday, May 09, 2012


I wouldn't consider myself a fan of Coldplay. But the day we were driving up from our home to Charlotte's funeral, their song When I Ruled the World came on, and Zar said "Boofus did rule the world." And we laughed and jammed along to the song, and parts of it seemed so perfect for her, kind of haughty, kind of royal, with bells and orchestras and fanfare.

I hear Jerusalem bells a'ringing
Roman Calvary choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword my shield
My Missionary in a foreign field
For some reasons I can't explain
I know St. Peter Will call my name...

Although today I looked it up and actually it says St. Peter WON'T call my name, but it sure sounds like will, and Boofus certainly heard her name called. Anyway, it's always been a Boofus song. We imagined the choirs and the bells rejoicing as she was welcomed into heaven, and we had been her sword and shield and told her story for her in this life, and my brother was serving his mission in Greece when she passed away, and she was sure to let him know as gently as possible the morning she died. It was very special.

The other day I was driving home and another Coldplay song came on the radio. I had heard it before, but not for a long time, and I had never really listened to it. But immediately I knew that this was Lily's very own Coldplay song. Perfect for her. Sad and hopeful, holy and beautiful.

When your try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth.

Lights will guide you home.
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you. 

 Oh Lily. We did try to fix you, but it wasn't what you needed. You didn't need fixing, as much as we tried. You came and got what you needed, and then lights were your guide home. Maybe we tried too hard, and should've let you go earlier. But what could we do?  We had to try. Thank you for sending me a song for you. It's so YOU, my irreplaceable treasure in heaven.

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

I am calm

Don't rob us just because we're aristocrats. 

GRRR. Been meaning to blog for days about how awesome it is getting older and wiser and less concerned with appearances and expectations. But then I noticed my checking account balance was strangely low, even for me, and investigated. Yep, two stupid charges that weren't me. And not even possibly legitimate need-based items, but some stupid kids sleep store and SCRUBS. About $250 worth. Sounds like some lame mom-nurse stealing from an awesome mom-nurse. (me.) Although I am proud of myself for noticing before the transactions even posted; there have been times in my life (like 30 years worth) that I would have just assumed I had done some forgotten late night shopping online and let it go.
Way to budget me! Although now I have had to cancel my card and wait for a new one and have no money for 10 business days. I'm just so peeved. Stupid people.
Deep breath. I am calm.
Once in high school during a Christmas choir performance during which we all had to leave our bags in the choir room, someone got into my purse and stole the $100 bill I had gotten for my birthday which I had been carrying around for over a month. And my bus pass. I noticed that very night when I went to pull it out (the money, not the bus pass) to treat my buddies to a delicious Denny's dinner. Oooh how I cried. Right there into my Eggs Over My Hammy. (just kidding, I have never ordered that.) And I fumed for WEEKS. I lay awake at night picturing the skeezy little high school weenie who must have peed himself when he found that $100 bill. I mean what luck. I'm sure he squealed with delight. And worst of all, it must've been a choir kid, because we were the only ones there that night. But not MY choir, we were all out on stage. Stupid Jazz Ensemble. I got up in Seminary and nearly shook with anger as I talked about how I was trying to overcome my violent anger over the $100. I started noticing all sorts of things I could have had with that $100. Absolutely legitimate weight loss pills. A huge oversized fleece robe.
Country CDs. Or, of course, a night at the nasty downtown Denny's.
The fact that I'm still talking about this 14 years later goes to show how much I seethed.
Luckily this time, I'm older, wiser, and can dispute the charges with a phone call. And answer "Oh Yeah" when asked if I would be willing to prosecute if the perpetrators are ever caught. Oh Yeah. And Yeah Right.