Wednesday, November 09, 2011

My Blue Heaven

I've debated about whether to blog about this for a couple of days but it's had such a profound effect on my brain that I'm going to share it. It's such a little thing but so ridiculously healing to me. I feel very whole.

Two nights ago I had a dream about Charlotte. I have always wanted one, and have occasionally prayed for one, but I've never had a really good one. People have told me they have had dreams seeing her running and playing and I'm like, hello, I'm her mother. Where's my dream? Well it was kind of silly and definitely had those funny nonsense dream aspects, but I want to remember it. It is somewhat religious. Which made it more special.

To start out, I dreamt I was in a run down toy store and couldn't get out. That has nothing to do with anything, but I remember that's what I was doing before the dream really started. Then I was falling in the dark, and I had the sense I was going to die and go to heaven, but that it was only for a few minutes, so I had to hurry. Suddenly I came out of the dark and it was very bright but not at all blinding, I could see perfectly and didn't have to squint. I remember thinking "well this is very heavenly light." And I liked it, which is cool because I hate sunlight.
Yep, I would prefer overcast any day of the week. Anyway, there were mountains around and rivers and clouds at ground level, and lots of people. I was running around calling "Charlotte? Charlotte!?" Then I thought maybe I should look for Jesus, but a voice said "No, just find your daughters." So then I yelled "BOOFUS?" and I saw a little toddler girl and ran up to her but it wasn't Charlotte. I knew I didn't have much time, I knew I was going to wake up. I ran up some stone stairs and there she was, wearing a pink shirt and standing with an adult I never really looked at. She looked about 8 years old. She turned and smiled and had the same little face and hair cut and put out her arms. I ran and hugged and her and squeezed her face in my hands and laughed and she laughed too. We talked for a few minutes but I don't remember what we said, it was quite casual, I think just like "oh I'm so glad I found you, I know I'm going to wake up and was afraid I wouldn't see you" and she said "I'm glad too Mom!" I asked her if she knew where Lily was and she said she was quite busy, but maybe she was over by those trees. I kissed her cheek and headed for the trees, and suddenly I was on a ledge looking out over a valley with yellow trees and lakes and a big sky above, and I heard a voice say "I'm so busy, I can't come, but the day I left earth was the most wonderful day, and I was so glad to get out of that sick little body. I will see you later!" comes the awesome nonsense dream silliness--a fleet of silver jets flew over with big University of Utah flags flying behind them, and I knew it was a gift from Lily. Pretty awesome. Then a breeze came up, and lots of yellow leaves came flying around me and I could see below Ella and Ava looking up at me (both about 8 years old as well ) and I woke up.

And believe it or not, waking up was almost the best part. I felt so calm and happy and warm and like I didn't have a care in the world. I started to realize I had to get up and go to work and it just seemed ridiculous, like such a meaningless thing to have to do. Well I did get up and went to work, but all day I had this little excited feeling about seeing Charlotte, and almost an anticipatory feeling as well, like she was so close and I would see her again. Which I believe but it has never felt so REAL, so literal. She felt so real.

And since then, and I realize it's only been a couple of days, but since then it's like I have zero sadness when I think of her. ZERO. I even made a point to linger on those memories of her right before she died, when she was so sick and didn't look like herself and was unconscious, and it's like there is no emotional hit. As if it just doesn't matter, because everything is fine now. I thought about my regrets, that we didn't get the g-tube sooner, that I didn't make her wear her hearing aides more, that I didn't work harder on her physical therapy. Nope, doesn't matter. It doesn't matter just like having my heart broken in 6th grade doesn't matter, like that bad hair cut in high school doesn't matter, like the fender bender I got into in college doesn't matter. It happened, I learned from it, but it doesn't matter anymore. It's an incredible feeling.

As for Lily, my little mysterious girl, I still feel sadness when I think of her. I still have regrets and don't want to think too long on certain moments of her life. That's okay. I'm not ready to be at perfect peace with Lily's life. But what an amazing gift, to feel free of any sorrow associated with Charlotte. Her name came up in conversation with a friend this morning and my friend said "Oh she was so amazing!" and I agreed and thought "Oh she is, she's such an amazing girl." And I felt like a proud mom, talking about a daughter away at Harvard or something. That familiar tightening in my chest didn't come, that wistful sorrowful moment after saying her name didn't come, there was nothing but happiness and pride and joy. It is incredible.


Erin said...

Thank you for sharing. That was beautiful. God works through dreams. I know that she is happy in heaven and happy to be free of her sick body.

Tara said...

I am so grateful you were given this gift! I love the clouds and yellow leaves and the description of the light. You ALL are amazing.

Shannon said...

This made me teary. I know that God and Angels speak thru our dreams- and I have no doubt that your sprirt was there with Boofus. How wonderful! I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for that reunion! It just makes me so happy- and Gotta love Lils for her awesome Ute Flyover. Atta Girl!

Lucy and Ethel said...

As a fellow angel mom, I can relate to this completely. How exciting you were able to see Charlotte so vividly!

Since our 'Jeffrey assignment,' I've been a firm believer in angel intervention in all capacities :)


Alex said...

What a great dream! Lily is little mysterious girl, but I think it's neat she was busy, because she probably is! I'm so glad you got to see Charlotte and kiss those darling cheeks. It sounded like a perfect spot for a reunion, and you are going to LOVE Glacier.

Allison said...

What an amazing dream and blessing. SO SO happy for you. Heaven is going to be such an incredible place...when all will be made right and not one minute of our earthly sorrow will matter anymore. xoxoxox

Whit, Lindsey, Jonas, and Maggie said...

Oh Thank you for sharing! Such a precious moment and I am so glad to hear the peace that came with it. I think I need to do some praying. Love it!

Niki said...

What a beautiful gift. I know that you have been wanting something like this. Write it in your journal. Lily's message was awesome! Love and hugs. NIK

Susan said...

Thank you for sharing your dream and how you felt. I wonder if the old, broken down toy store you can't get out of is this world - because you still have a job to do! I'm happy you're at peace with Charlotte. We know the time will come for peace with Lily when the time is right, and until it does, she's got other things to do.