Sunday, July 31, 2011

Fear



Ella has developed her first fears in the past few weeks. She is afraid of fireworks, which made pretty much the entire month of July a nightly struggle. I realize it's a bad habit to let her fall asleep in my bed every night but man, I love the snuggles. And when I try to put her in her own bed and a few popping fireworks go off and she starts screaming, well, I say we will try again tomorrow. We discussed how fireworks are noisy and loud but they are pretty and mean that we are happy. Even as she recites these facts she runs into the house bawling.

The other fear is Ghosts. I'm not sure where she got this one or what her reference is, but apparently she made dad turn off a Halloween episode of Blue's Clues--the newest favorite--because it had ghosts in it. I can't imagine it was in any way scary. In fact had she stuck it out it probably would have resolved her whole ghost fear issue.

My big fear I remember as a child was....get ready....Elevators.

I dreamed about elevators constantly. I remember many of these dreams very vividly. It wasn't that I thought they would break and go crashing to the ground. It was that I thought they would get stuck, and I would be left in there forever. I remember begging to take the stairs at the mall with my mom. I remember feeling so brave and proud when I was able to take the elevator down into the Hoover dam on a family trip. I remember what finally helped me cope was a dream I had in which I was riding in an elevator which was essentially a hotel room, complete with bed, stocked kitchen, bathroom, and tv, so if it got stuck at least I would be left alone forever in comfort.

I have been through various other fear phases in my life; the basement at our house, clowns, spiders, kids that would sleep walk while I babysat them, but Elevators was the one I really struggled with. Of course now it's seems so silly and easy to dismiss, but I'm trying to remember those dreams and feelings when I get annoyed that I'm spending a summer holiday on the couch with a crying toddler.

As an old teenager/young adult, my fears matured to include never finding a husband, being cheated on by husband, not being able to get pregnant, and then, of course, having Charlotte pass away while I was at work or otherwise away from her. None of those came to pass, for which I am very grateful. Of course, now my biggest fear is losing another child. Even having done it twice, and knowing it can be survived, I can't imagine I would be able to go on if something terrible happened to one of my girls. Just typing those words is making me feel sick, as I'm sure it does for all parents.

Oh Ella, how I wish I could let you keep your fear of fireworks and ghosts. I wish you would never have to know grown up fears. But then, you would never get to grow up.



1 comment:

MK said...

I feared escalators as a child, still fear spiders but never in a million years did I think to fear a dead baby until the boys died. I also hope Ella sticks with fireworks and ghosts.