Sunday, April 10, 2011


Three Diapers.

Now that I'm not a Special Needs Mother...

It's funny that I'm trying to figure out where I fit in. It's funny I've been a mother for six years but my oldest daughter (on earth, of course) is two and my youngest is nearly one. I've dealt with so much, and yet I've never dealt with potty training. It's strange feeling like such an old soul and yet so inexperienced. And now I'm supposed to just go on and figure out my place, learn to braid hair when I've mastered g-tubes and CPR. Worry about preschool politics when I'm comfortable (so to speak) with life and death.
And so I'm trying to figure out where I'm going from here. Obviously I'm a mother of two(four)tiny daughters, and a wife, and that's where I want to be. Where I always wanted to be. Suddenly I'm back on the track I diverted from that day when my doctor called me at work with "off" test results, but with a lot more experience and, well, depth. I'm grateful for the depth.
I'm grateful for the strength and maturity I would not have otherwise. But I'm getting used to the low stress level and I'm finding little things are getting to me again. That's not where I want to be. So, mom, I'm sorry I freaked out today. Apparently I don't have enough to worry about anymore. I'm going to withdraw to my room, and make a list of what I want to work on from here, along with the potty training and the hair care and the vitally important but somewhat everyday parenting chores. I guess I had better focus on building myself up too, now that life has slowed down and I'm being allowed to drift. I've spent the last few years holding on white knuckled through the rapids, and now I feel like I need to pick up my paddle and dig in.

8 comments:

Carleton & Robyn said...

You are so wise. What an interesting thought about being so experienced...wow. I personally loved the book "Potty Training in Three Days"-it was recommended to me when I didn't know what I was supposed to do. The book is magic (but a lot of work during those three days).

my life: said...

Profound.
I think you fit EVERYWHERE.
On a MUCH lesser degree, I felt the same way after my daughter's final heart repair. We had spent 2 years with over 16 hospital stays while she was in heart failure. She was tube fed and on tons of meds. After the repair...it all went away and I didn't know what to do with myself. I was so used to fighting for her life, it was odd just enjoying it.
*not to be confused with I was bored ;0)*
Praying you find your new normal and can wrap your brain fully around the "old" life and the new. Thank you for sharing this process with us.

Team Carter Jay said...

Oh my gosh....this is EXACTLY how I feel right now. Just trying to find my place again. Thanks for such an amazing post!

Lee in IL said...

I have 2 NT children and 1 very special needs son and love them all. I know that if he was suddenly cured (which unfortunatly can't happen), I would feel the same way. As special needs parents we get used to the ups and downs and it all becomes the new 'normal'. You have a big heart and will never forget your precious angels But over time you will adjust and the 'NT' world will become the new norm for you again.

Anonymous said...

Erin, thank you for this post. It hit on so many feelings I've had now that my daughter is about to be born. B is still with us, but we just got the (confidential) news today that his condition is a genetic one and an X-linked one at that. He inherited it from me. :( We're lucky this next child is a daughter (since even as a carrier she shouldn't be affected) and we don't know how long our son will be with us, even if he is currently doing well. You are always a source of inspiration for me! Thanks again. :) Love, one of your biggest fans ;)

Anonymous said...

Yes, everything you say is familiar to me too. Having lost our precious daughter last year. I was so capable of dealing with NG tubes, seizures and facing death yet now find it quite hard to plan things a few months in advance, it tends to stress me out setting dates for events in the future as I was so used to taking one day at a time! Like someone else said you are such an inspiration and you have such a beautiful family!

We have Angel Wings said...

Thinking of you!

Here's one of my favorite quotes that I turn too when I'm just not sure exactly what it is I am supposed to be doing:

No one else can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken. Live your life with arms wide open. Today is where your book begins. The rest is still unwritten. ~ Natasha Bedingfield

Jen I said...

I really love the wisdom in this post and how thought-provoking it is. Enough so that I'm back here reading through it again. You really write your thoughts so well.