Sunday, April 10, 2011
Now that I'm not a Special Needs Mother...
It's funny that I'm trying to figure out where I fit in. It's funny I've been a mother for six years but my oldest daughter (on earth, of course) is two and my youngest is nearly one. I've dealt with so much, and yet I've never dealt with potty training. It's strange feeling like such an old soul and yet so inexperienced. And now I'm supposed to just go on and figure out my place, learn to braid hair when I've mastered g-tubes and CPR. Worry about preschool politics when I'm comfortable (so to speak) with life and death.
And so I'm trying to figure out where I'm going from here. Obviously I'm a mother of two(four)tiny daughters, and a wife, and that's where I want to be. Where I always wanted to be. Suddenly I'm back on the track I diverted from that day when my doctor called me at work with "off" test results, but with a lot more experience and, well, depth. I'm grateful for the depth.
I'm grateful for the strength and maturity I would not have otherwise. But I'm getting used to the low stress level and I'm finding little things are getting to me again. That's not where I want to be. So, mom, I'm sorry I freaked out today. Apparently I don't have enough to worry about anymore. I'm going to withdraw to my room, and make a list of what I want to work on from here, along with the potty training and the hair care and the vitally important but somewhat everyday parenting chores. I guess I had better focus on building myself up too, now that life has slowed down and I'm being allowed to drift. I've spent the last few years holding on white knuckled through the rapids, and now I feel like I need to pick up my paddle and dig in.