Sunday, April 03, 2011

For the case I forget later...

Note to Self--this is your Husband

Lately you have probably noticed I have made various statements such as "I barely remember..." or "It's all pretty blurry", or "I remember doing this...and that's it." And it's true. My memory is not what it once was. It's been frustrating and sometimes I work myself in a tizzy and convince myself it's early onset Alzheimer's, (having read "Still Alice" a few months ago...I remember that) but I have been known to over blow symptoms and assume the worst. (I am: 1)a Nurse and 2) the mother of two children who had very rare and serious illnesses.) So you can't blame me.
Yes, frustrating, but minor. My spelling is going downhill, occasionally I sit at work staring at the computer screen unsure of what command I'm trying to remember that I usually do automatically, and it's harder to separate the "What I've Done" from the "What I was planning to do" and "What I considered as an option" and even "What I dreamed about last night." There is no more "I distinctly remember..." although I find myself saying that a lot. Especially to my husband. "I distinctly remember buying starch." And yet there is none to be found. Or he insists that I made some sort of statement or promise that surely I would never make. Surely not! And yet he insists.
This got especially bad right after Lily died. I chalked that up to grief and mommy brain and postpartum hormonal stuff. Seriously, everything for the past few months is a soft warm blur. I would look at my cell phone and see whole conversations I had with friends via text message that I had no recollection of. The most crazy example was a friend who offered, via text, to bring me bread and jam, then did so, and hung out, and I didn't remember this occurred until I saw the text message evidence and found the freezer jam. (Which was a happy surprise, but somewhat disturbing.) I now remember the bread, sitting at the counter with her, but nothing else. Not what we talked about or if my kids were there or if her kids were there...nothing. (sorry, Julie, I love you!) But that's grief for you. Just to assure you, I never forgot to care for my babies (other than forget to pack socks) or go to work, or wash my hair (that was on purpose.) I'm not at all DANGEROUS, just somewhat...not so smart.
My memory seemed to be improving the past couple weeks and I was, as mentioned, "waking up." Chalk that up to spring, to healing, etc.
Then this past week, it got worse. And then I had an aura. I have had auras three other times in my life, all within the past couple of years, during which, part of my vision goes all swimmy and sparkly and white, like I had been staring at a bright light and was now partially blinded. All other times this was followed but an extreme headache, so when it happened the other day, I rushed to take a pain killer and warned my husband I may be down for the count. Then it went away. No headache.
Tonight, I was upstairs putting away laundry and dropped Ella's Owl jammies down the stairs to put her in. A few minutes later I came down and they were nowhere to be found. I went back upstairs, thinking I just MEANT to drop them over, but no luck. I looked around, and thought maybe I had put them in Ava's drawer, but no. Or the diaper bag. Grrr.
Then I noticed my vision swimming, and ran for the ibuprofen. And decided I was losing my mind. I got online and searched WebMD and did some googling, and read some articles. Just as I was coming to my conclusion, Ella came around the corner carrying her Owl Jammies, which I HAD thrown down the stairs after all. She had hid them under a throw pillow on the couch. And then the aura, as suddenly as it came, went away. (It had made it quite difficult to do my googling, but went away as soon as I found the culprit.)
Wait for it...I have....


Well you can't blame me. I haven't had a cycle since 2009, after all. And up until then I had been on birth control pretty much continuously (except during my failed birth control pregnancies). It appears to be all hormonal. Just like my lousy 13-year-old-boy skin, my occasionally wild fury, (Ah yes...that episode I didn't mention in Primm, Nevada when my kids refused to go to sleep and Ella figured out how to open the hotel room door...and I thought she was just going in and out of the bathroom in the middle of the night) and now the memory and auras and hunger and exhaustion (Zar had a few moments of terror thinking I might be pg again...) and maybe even my overuse of parenthesis.
So I'm probably not dying. Yes, my memory will probably continue to go as I age (don't forget, I am THIRTY now) and horrid migraines run in the family. I hope I get to keep my mind. And if I don't, at least I can find comfort in the fact I have been an avid journal-keeper since age 14, and blogger for the past couple years. In case I need a jog to the ole' memory. And if I forget to call you back, or thank you for the jam, or wear deodorant, I sincerely, sincerely apologize.


Allison said...

You're so funny. Ben and I get in huge arguments over what I insist I did and later find out I didn't. It's very aggravating to be so sure of yourself and know that a year ago, you would have been right because you were always right. But now...not so much. Boo for mommy brain...and pms. can't wait to hear more about your trip and see you in a few days!!

Niki said...

I think you have every right to claim Mommy Brain, PMS and grief for at least 5 years ;) Now, what's my excuse?! Love you!

Camilla Jones (CioCo Photography) said...

Thank you so much for your blog. I kind of want to just read it and never comment, but then I would be creepy stalking you and I'm sure that's not cool in the real world. ;) Your attitude and strength has helped me so much, thanks for your example and testimony.

A.J. and Tristen said...

i just wanted to tell you thank you for this post. i lost my daughter just the week before you lost your sweet lily. i was feeling this way and feeling like i was going crazy and then was encouraged by this. so thank you. i think you are so brave. i don't know how you have done this twice! what an amazing lady you are!

i can't remember if i have posted on here or not- as I have been following you for awhile.

thank you for writing your expereince!