Tuesday, March 01, 2011


I've been lazy. Lazy with blogging, lazy with exercising, lazy with dinner prep. So
yesterday marked my triumphant return to early morning yoga. Sorta. I went once right after Lily died but it's all a blur. Unfortunately yesterday will be a blur too. Started out fine, yawning my way through the opening breathing and the first couple poses. Then I got nauseous. In case I haven't mentioned lately, this is a pretty intense yoga class--Birkram, so it's 105 degrees and an hour and half long. So it's not all that uncommon to feel pukey during it. So I took a sip of water and regretted it, and then the dizziness hit. I kept getting up and trying to participate, then would flop right back down on my mat. Finally at tree pose, one of my faves and the last standing pose before the floor series, I decided I was going to make this happen. So I stood in tree and then found myself leaning against the wall. I looked at myself in the front mirror and I looked LOUSY. Pale and sickly. The last thing I remember is my hearing sounding muffled and my cheek hitting the wall and beginning to slide. "Ha!" I thought. "I think I'm passing out!"
Again, passing out in Bikram yoga isn't all that uncommon, so I got very little attention. Then I got hit after class with one of the teachers saying "that's not uncommon your first class."
MY FIRST CLASS? Offended. I mean I may have taken a couple weeks off and I don't wear tiger print booty shorts, but c'mon. No doubt had I mentioned my daughter just died so THAT's why you may not recognize me, I would have gotten a new agey speech about my pent up emotions just overwhelming me today and that I really need to take time for myself to release and let go, blah blah blah. Not entirely untrue.
Luckily I felt well enough to go to work, and after hearing my story we all decided it was a good day for one of the nurses to get passed off on her IV Fluids Module, so I got to sit in a chair with a blankey and get a liter of saline in the name of training. Perked me right up.
In the future I will be sure to hydrate before going to 6 am yoga. Diet coke and raisinettes a la Oscar Party won't cut it, supposedly.
Loss of consciousness aside, I am doing alright. I still find myself looking for distractions to stay just ahead of the wave of sadness. I let myself lie in bed and be sad Sunday morning on the 3 week mark of Lily's death. I lay my head right where Lily was when she died. I cried a bit. Zar and I sighed and said Oh Lily, and then did our imitations of her funny little whiney cry.
Deep breath.
I don't wish she hadn't died. The way things were, it was for the best. I wish she didn't have seizures. I wish her heart had been healthy. I wish she had been more comfortable. I wish I could feel her close now. I could feel Charlotte close afterwards for a few weeks. Does that mean there is something wrong with me, or does it mean Lily is so glad to be gone from this place she isn't even looking back?
Okay. Good feeling. Good crying. Come up sputtering and spitting salt water. Shake it off. Back to the tasks at hand. Back to the other kids. Back to life on this rough little earth. Wait for the next wave to roll in.


ch said...

Ummm...have you given any thought to an extracurricular activity with a higher rate of consciousness-keeping? because if i begin a program...and it's reminiscent of how people were tortured during the holocaust...then i say, 'exercise is overrated' and then pursue starting a book club. where wine is consumed. and reading the actual book isn't encouraged. and i offer to bring treats. and i bring lots of them. so it's a lot to carry. and that is called strength conditioning.
just a suggestion.
hope you've got a swim noodle nearby when the next wave hits...since it will...keep reminding yourself that treading water is exercise, too...

Anonymous said...

ch gave an amazingly profound comment. Wish I could rise to the call. I must say, Erin, you attract some gifted and insightful writers. . . .thanks.

alliemich said...

you are one of the strongest women I have had to pleasure of reading. You have been through so much and keep at it, God be praised for the lives you have brought into the world, as well as your hopeful spirit in the face of losing some of them.

Bless you and your sweet girls.

I haven't tried Bikram yoga but am such a fan of all other types especially power yoga. I hate hate hate heat though, so I may leave that yoga to you :)

Tyler & Laura said...


We have Angel Wings said...

Good Morning, Erin! I can see you again. :) You're welcome for your own little post. You have a beautiful smile, so I am so glad it made you smile.

I agree with CH on having a swim noodle nearby when the next wave hits.. I'm so sorry that you keep having to wait for the waves to roll in.

I wanted to suggest something - have you tried Acupuncture? Acupuncture has been my saving grace. I have been going for almost 3 years now and I can't describe to you how it makes me feel. But, I feel rejuvenated, alive, empowered and energized when it's all said and done.

Just food for thought, but maybe it could help you through some of the waves that keep rolling in.

Love you.

♥ T

Susan said...

Thumbs up to ch and acupuncture. . . and friends and blogs! I belong to just such a book club. We meet for lunch at a restaurant once a month. Sometimes we even talk about the book!

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you. It takes much time and patience to get past the traumas in life. May HE who loves you BEST bring peace to your heart, mind and soul. And may you continue to take good care of yourself.

A. Murdock

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Your honest portrayal of mother-grief is so refreshing...and, of course heart-wrenching...and so many other things.

Praying for you...every step of the way...