Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Feeling totally uninspired. A few weeks ago I had so many things I wanted to blog that I considered doing more than one post a day, which I do not do. Now of course there is nothing and I wish I remember what was so pressing. I've said it all over and over--I'm okay, I'm having a hard time, I have peace, I'm falling apart.
So. Today.
I'm good. My biggest annoyances are that my husband keeps coming home from work later and later and it irks me, and that there is no way I'm going to finish this book before book club tomorrow night. Still feels indulgent to have such petty problems. What happened to life and death? Oh yes. I remember. Death.
And so I find myself seeping back into every day, run of the mill life. Practicing parting Ava's hair. Going to the zoo. Wandering Target. Going to work. Reading to the girls. Rededicating myself (daily) to getting regular exercise.

One of my favorite pictures of Lily is on my screen saver. Ella passes by and says "Oh! I see Lily!" So I pick her and put her on the stool looking at her sister.
"Oh, Lily!" she says.
"Oooh Lily" I repeat. "Where is Lily?"
"Right dere!" Says Ella, pointing to the screen.
"Yes, but where is Lily for real?"
Ella stares at the picture.
"In the bath."
"Ah. Yes. But where does Lily live now?"
"With Jesus. I get down."
And she's off to stuff her dad's socks in her potty chair.

The morning Lily died in Zar's arms, Ella and Ava were with us on the bed. Zar started crying and Ella looked at him and her eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry daddy! I'm sorry daddy!"
And we all just sobbed. Except Ava, who looked from face to face somewhat terrified.
Ella was nervous and sad all that day. And that week, she didn't eat or sleep very well. She threw a tremendous fit at the viewing, laying on the floor and kicking, and then running down the sidewalk outside screaming with Grandma in pursuit.
But she's been fine ever since. She's very matter of fact. She brings me her book "What Happens When People Die?" and announces "Charlotte and Lily book." She never asked where Lily is. She watched the mortuary man carry her away that morning. She saw her in her coffin. She's only two. She probably (hopefully?) won't remember very much. But I think she will remember her dad crying. And I hope she will always recognize Lily's picture. And I pray she will always know that Lily, and Charlotte are with Jesus.


Alisa said...

One of the hardest parts of grieving is that life continues on when it feels like it should have stopped. Hang in there. You are doing a great work with your girls. I love the part about wandering Target! I do that too. :)

Niki said...

She knows.

Love you!

Carleton & Robyn said...

Thinking of you. Thanks for your blog. It helps me understand what you're going through. We think of your family often.

Anonymous said...

I love that picture of Ella with the Elephants. On the TODAY show this morning they interviewed a family who wrote a book called Heaven Is Real. Their four year old son almost died and went to heaven during one of his surgeries and talks about seeing Jesus, his grandpa that died 30 years before, a little sister the mom had miscarried years before, etc. He talked on the show how heaven is really colorful and there are lots of people and animals altogether. Anyway, it was really sweet. I was thinking about Charlotte and Lily in this beautiful place. Ella and Ava will have all memories of their sisters as you talk about them, look at pictures, go to the cemetery, etc. They will always be a very real part of our family even here on Earth. xoxoxo