Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Sunday was the 2 week anniversary of Lily's death. Monday was the 2 year anniversary of Charlotte's. So did I go for a walk, release balloons, pray, look at pictures, cry, laugh, remember, leave flowers? Nope. I managed to make myself so busy I hardly had to think about it. Sigh.
Last year on Charlotte's angel day we went to her grave with friends and family and did a balloon release and wrote memories of her and went to eat. This year I managed to wrangle a friend's shift from her at work so I could get the holiday pay. We did spend time with family but I've been sick and spent most of the time wrapped in a blanket on the couch. I feel bad, guilty even, but it is just too much right now. Too much too close together. I don't want to go see the fresh grave in the snow. I don't want to think about Lily's headstone, or work on feeling or healing, or talk much about any of it.
I just need to regroup for a minute. I'm feeling disconnected and feverish and tired. Right now I'm going to go take a shower and dry my hair instead of passing out on the bed to wake to a matted mess an hour later. I'm going to go to the grocery store for the first time in a couple months and make some meal plans. I'm going to take down Lily's baby play gym. Or maybe I'll just leave that up awhile longer.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Showering, doing your hair, and grocery shopping are PLENTY for one day -- when you consider you have two little people along for everything! Take it easy! Pamper yourself! You will NEVER regret it, or should you.

Much love in this time of healing,
Carolyn H.

bodegabliss said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the pain you are experiencing. I think anything you need to do, you should do. And showering can always do wonders

(Thanks for stopping by my blog. I'm interested to hear about the plasma exchanges...I've never heard of that. I have been tested negative for it, but I have factors that can lead to it.)

Tifanie said...

love you Erin

Whit, Lindsey, Jonas, and Maggie said...

Erin, it's a long story about how I came to your blog, but I believe it started with a comment from you. My name is Lindsey and my son Jonas passed away this past Nov. I am so heartbroken for you and have that sinking feeling in my gut full of the sadness that you must be feeling at this tender, tender time. I am just so sorry.
I was so touched by your blog and seeing pictures of your sweet Charlotte. Part of the long story, but Jonas is buried probably 10 feet away from Charlotte. I think Charlotte's headstone is the most beautiful I have ever seen. When you are feeling up to it, would you mind if I asked you some questions about it? You can email me at lindseyray4@yahoo.com, again whenever you feel up to it. I'm so sorry for the hard day today and the others to come.
Love, Lindsey Coleman

Tyler & Laura said...

Erin, I wish I could reach through the computer and just give you a big hug :(

Jenny said...

Oh Erin, thank you for stopping by my space and for sharing your story. You have four beautiful daughters and it so very difficult to imagine how you get by without two of them. Thinking of how much pain you must be in brings everything right up to the surface again. I hurt for me and I hurt for you.

waiting4amiracle said...

I'm really not sure there is anything I can say except, I'm so sorry. You must be exceptionally strong. You have been through a lot. xxxxx ICLW

Stinky said...

Hon, I am so sorry. Not really any right words for this. I've just hopped over from Shona's link on her pgd/md blog.
We found out 3 months ago, after 3 miscarriages, that we are dealing with a paternal balanced translocation, we're kinda at the beginning of it all now (even 3 years on, technically).

I'm beaming love at you right now, just from this one blog entry I've read

We have Angel Wings said...

I think the Mother hen is coming out in me - I just want to come to your house and take care of you and your little girls.

I just want to smother all of you with love.

I'll run your errands and cook for you and play and color and sing songs with the girls.

Like Carolyn said - showering, doing your hair and grocery shopping is enough for one day. One day at a time is all you can do. ((hugs))

With all my heart..

Love,

♥ T

A.J. and Tristen said...

just wanted to let you know i am thinking of you and praying for you. you are so brave. i am sophia's mom (got to your website from Holding On to Hope). i can't imagine having gone through this pain twice. just know that i am thinking of you and your beautiful daughters.