Sunday, February 06, 2011

I'm Grateful...

Lily slept in our bed last night, and the night before. Yesterday I went to work only to find someone had come in for me so I went home and held Lily and bathed her and napped with her all day. Last night I took Ella into bed with Lily and I and we read books for an hour before Ella's bedtime. That today turned into a bright sunny February day, very much like the one two years ago when Charlotte left. That I had pictures taken of the girls just last week. We had a beautiful family portrait done at Christmas. That Lily's last night on earth was quiet and restful, and we were all together at the end. That at the end her daddy was holding her, just like he did for Charlotte. For hospice care. For social networking so I didn't have to make calls all day long and just spent time with family. And went for a walk. For Ava and Ella and the smiles they gave us today. For my brave sweet tender hearted husband. For our neighborhood and ward. For the respectful and kind man from Larkin Mortuary who carried Lily gently away wrapped in a soft blue blanket with her toy mouse. For dear friends willing to run errands, make calls, send food, give hugs, and say prayers. For my mommy and dad and sisters and brothers and in-laws and the rest of my wonderful family. That I don't have to pump anymore. That Lily let us know she was ready and then went within days. That she woke up a couple times in the last two days and was alert and bright eyed. That we were able to keep her comfortable. That in the last moments with Lily I was thinking of Charlotte, and my grandparents, and Zar's grandparents, and everyone else who I know were anxiously waiting for Lily to come Home, and that I was jealous. Jealous that while we were left aching and crying and holding each other for warmth and comfort on another cold February day, Lily was laughing and hugging and having the time of her eternal life. And that I know when my time comes it will be that much sweeter for having two daughters there to reach for each of my hands.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Erin, your thoughts are so precious and loving for all about you and especially for your husband and darling daughters. Thank you for sharing your experiences with so many whose lives you have touched and inspired.

xoxoCarolyn H.

Anonymous said...

Erin and Zar, Your strength, love and caring uplifts and inspires us. We are truly grateful to have you and your beautiful daughters as part of our lives. We love you. Kay and Fred

Becky said...

BI love you guys! I'm sitting her sobbing as the flood of feelings have all come back from the day that Ben passed away. I'm just so sorry that the missing part is what's painful. I'm grateful for your perspective and for the knowledge that we have. You are amazing Erin! I'm just so proud of YOU and proud of your sweet Lily. xoxo

katherine said...

i love your grateful, beautiful heart. what a sweet post. i love the way you spent the last few days together. it reminds that that although things are different in my home, i still need to have days like this when all i do is just be with my kids and let some of the other things go!

love you all, may you feel the comfort and peace from our Father and your sweet girls in Heaven, always.

Mary Jason and boys said...

Hayes family, we are so sorry for your loss of sweet little Lily. You are in our thoughts and prayers. Sacrament meeting was very emotional yesterday, it was dedicated to Lily and your beautiful family.
Mary Healy

Jenny said...

Oh Erin, your strength has been awe inspiring. As I read your list of gratitude, I couldn't help be flooded with my own gratitude...for knowledge we have...that we will be reunited, eternally. I'm sure that ache is still there and will be there for quite some time, but luckily our Heavenly Father's greatest title is "Father," and He knows. You are in our prayers -- you and your incredible family.

~Jenny

Niki said...

In the midst of the chaos that is our life right now, I convinced Cole when he woke up today that it was not morning yet. I brought him into my bed with me and snuggled with him for an hour. Then we got up and had a little dance party before I shipped him out so I can get some packing done. Thank you for reminding me to take it slow. I'm grateful for you.

Sally Jensen said...

Your courage, faith and gift of writing helps us all feel a part of your tender heart right now. Thank you for letting us in and for making us better people. You and your little family are loved.
Love, Sally Jensen

Shannon said...

I'm grateful for you. Love you.

Anonymous said...

And I think, too, of beautiful, perfect Suzanne Young, who will so joyously have greeted Lily.

xoxoCarolyn H.

Susan said...

The world is a better place with you in it. Thank you for sharing and teaching me.
Love to all. . .

Team Carter Jay said...

I just found your blog, and wanted to send my love and prayers. I had to make the same decision for my sweet little Carter back in May. Please feel free to email me at any time if you would like to chat. <3 <3

Emily B. said...

Dear Erin, I met you at April Moody's house when you were still pregnant with little Lily (it was during Becky's visit this summer). April told me today that your sweet baby passed away yesterday. My heart is aching for you and your family today. I have been praying you will feel the Savior's arms around you in the coming days and weeks. Thank you for the example and realness you've shown me from afar. Much love, Emily Bennett

mindi said...

this is the sweetest thing i have ever read. thank-you for posting.

shirlgirl said...

Erin, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Lily. I do recall reading about Charlotte on Becky's blog (Becky is my niece). I am sure that Lily was greeted by so many of her friends who went before her. And, they'll watch over my dear husband David who passed away in November. And, he will watch over all the little ones a well and smile and laugh with them. May you and your family find peace as you mourn the loss of yet another angel. Shirley

morgan said...

Erin, you are an amazing woman. I don't know anyone else who could be so mindful of blessings and full of gratitude amid such a loss. Thank you for posting this. All my best to you and your family.
Morgan (Van Wagoner)

Jessica said...

Oh, Erin! I am so sorry you are living this again. You describe Lily's final days much like Eva's were. In and out, but thankful for the aware times and thankful that it was peaceful and at home and with mom and dad there to guide her home, to tell her it was ok to go to the others waiting to see her in Heaven.
She and Charlotte are having a blast living eternity together, praising Heavenly Father together, playing together with all the other Trisomy children and other children taken from their loving families too soon.

You were and will continue to be the best mother to your daughters. Charlotte and Lily couldn't have asked for more from you and Zar and their sweet little and big sisters. I have no doubt that their entire lives were filled with only love and comfort from you and Zar and Ella and Ava.

You are a very blessed woman and will be rewarded for fighting the good fight for the Lord. You are a testament to all who know your story. Your two daughters in Heaven will never be forgotten.

I am here to talk/write to anytime.
I'll keep you and the family in my thoughts and prayers.

Kathy said...

What a beautiful post Erin. I appreicate your gratefulness and my heart aches for your loss. Continuing to sending healing thoughts and prayers your way.

Take care,
Kathy

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