Tuesday, February 22, 2011


I haven't done ICLW in a long time. You join a list of blogs and then for a week you all go around reading and commenting on the other list members blogs. It always turns out to be more work than I anticipate, but it's good. I always appreciate it when people on the list do a quick ICLW Intro post, and we are one one day in, so here's mine.
Married September 2002
Pregnant (on pill) October 2004
Charlotte diagnosed via triple screen, amnio, with partial trisomy 16, partial monosomy 9 in Early 2005, due to paternal balanced translocation. Chose to carry to term, expecting stillbirth.
Charlotte born June 2005 full term via c-section, 6 lbs 5 oz. Came home at 3 days to pass away at home.Lived.
Wound up pregnant again February 2008. (on pill). CVS fails, chose not to retest. Born healthy October 2008.
Charlotte, after living a happy, difficult, joyful life, passes away February 21 2009from complications from RSV.
Decide to pursue IVF with PGD. Unimpressed with local clinic #1, after some testing showing I'm ultra fertile and Zar has a pretty darn good percentage of healthy sperm, we change clinics, and decide to start IVF in February 2010.
Approached at work by a friend who knows someone looking for adoptive family. Meet birth mom January 2010. IVF canceled.
Find out I'm pregnant again on March 5th 2010. Pretty sure mother intuition tells me baby is not healthy. Confirmed via CVS April 2010. Same diagnosis as Charlotte.
Ava is born May 5 2010. I'm with birthmom in OR, delivered by my OB. Very special.
Lily is born October 17 2010 via c-section. I am told not to get pregnant again due to nearly ruptured uterus (FINE BY ME!). Lily spends a month in NICU, gets feeding tube.
Lily comes home. Adoption finalized December 2010. Lily starts having seizures.
Lily passes away at home in daddy's arms February 6 2011, after a short, hard, but meaningful life.
Now we work on the next phase, grieving, remembering. I figure if we are meant to have more I will feel it in the next few years or someone will approach us again--miracle of miracles. For now we are a family of four on earth, two in heaven, working on finding our new, new, new, new, new normal...again...


Kate Bentley said...

Joining in the conversation - thank you for coming over to mine: you picked a poem very close to my heart where the happiness of normality and the alienation of infertility suddenly collided. But more than that, I just want to give you a huge, gentle hug. This must be an incredibly raw time for you and I am so very sorry for the loss of Lily - all your daughters have the most beautiful names. I am so very sorry you have had to go through this again - no-one should lose their children like this. But I hope you know how very special you are, this I know from the way you have nurtured your family no matter what - I know you write that you want more time with Lily to seal that bond. But she does know - she knows you were there for her come hell or high water. From the moment she was conceived to her last breath, she was loved and adored. You could have made the decision not to go ahead with the pregnancy, particularly after what went through with Charlotte, but you didn't. You just loved her and bore the burden that you could lose her with grace and dignity. You are amazing. I am sending all the strength and love I have xxxxxxxxxx

Shona said...

I'm sorry that you lost Charlotte and Lily. Your family has certainly been through a difficult time these past 6 years.

I hear about balanced translocations quite often, on fertility forums, where I talk to other people doing IVF with PGD. I have never really understood what it means or what the consequences can be. They really couldn't be aby worse than what has happened to your family.

I hope you find your normal and that another miracle comes your way if that is what you decide you want.

Thanks for dropping by my blog.

Stacey said...

I hope you can find a new normal soon. I've been following your blog since around the time Lily was born. You are a very special person, clearly one of a kind...All 4 of your girls are so lucky to have a wonderful mother like you :)

EBC said...

over from ICLW. thank you for sharing what you've been through. you are clearly a very strong person even if you may not always feel that way.

Esperanza said...

Hello. Here from ICLW. What a beautiful and heartbreaking story. I really can't fathom all that hope and heartache. You are a truly brave woman. Thank you for sharing your beautiful daughters with us.

Kathy said...

Hi Erin,

I came over from the ICLW list, though I have been here before via our Facebook Gift of Time group.

Thank you for your intro. I too appreciate when people share intros during ICLW, as you really get a nice overview/sense of them and the journey they are on.

This is the first time I have participated in ICLW in a long time as well. It is always an awesome experience, but as you said also very time consuming. I am not very good at leaving brief comments, which is part of why it tends to take me longer to get through...

You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers as you grieve and heal following Lily's death. Hang in there.

Take care and God bless,

ICLW #158

Carleton & Robyn said...

Hey, my address is 1718 Nisson Rd Apt. C Tustin, CA. I'm so glad you enjoyed the hairbands. You don't need to worry about a thank you note. Just enjoy.

thirtiesgirl said...

Thanks so much for your comment. So sorry for your losses. Your daughters are beautiful.

bakeryclosed said...

Oh my goodness, Erin.

I'm so glad you found me. I came over here to thank you for the compliment on my header, and I was floored by your whole story, your beautiful family, all the pictures... Seriously, I couldn't stop reading. Then I got down to your 2010 recap, saw the line about wanting to learn to manage Ava's haircare by 2012, which made me laugh, and sort of snapped out of it.

But seriously, your strength and your attitude are incredible. Keep writing.

Kristin said...

Wow Erin, y'all have traveled a really rough road. All of your daughters are beautiful and I'm so glad you have two earthbound angels to hold tight to.

ICLW #19

Famhost said...

You have been in our prayers from the Trisomy list. Beautiful post. Beautiful website, but more than anything. . . beautiful girls. We also lost two granddaughters. One to Trisomy 18. They were also loved and we wouldn't trade one second with them for anything this world offers. Thank you for sharing. It does make a difference in the lives of those of us who also go through the valley. - Paul and Shirley Farmer

Mrs. Gamgee said...

So very sorry for your losses. Your daughters are lovely...


Jen said...

I did not participate this month in ICLW, but saw your blog. I am so sorry for your losses. I lost my daughter Ella 22 months ago, and our daughter we are adopting now is Lily. <3 Thank you for sharing your sweet girls with us..((hugs))