Our day was beautiful. Despite the circumstances it is so gratifying and healing to have so many people take time to come see us and Lily and say goodbye. I was proud of Lily. That's still my baby there. She matters so much to me but how wonderful to know she mattered to others too.
We loved the atmosphere of Lily's viewing. We chose to have it at Larkin funeral home downtown and they had the most wonderful little setting for us. Instead of one big long room we were in a beautiful little collection of homey rooms with couches and tables and stained glass windows and dark wood and of course flowers and pictures and soft light. Lily was in her dear tiny white casket in front of the fireplace. She wore her beautiful white lace dress made by grandma, (that matches the dresses the girls wore in my header--Lily's dress wasn't ready for the pictures but thank goodness I felt prompted not to put it off.)
The day before we went to the craft store and Ella picked out stickers to make a card for Lily--Mickey, frogs, elephants, flowers. The card along with her mouse, a soft blue blanket she used every day, her special necklace and a pink handkerchief made by Aunt Stephanie was with her.
My Lilies for Lily craft was successful! It turned out so cute that even Zar admitted he was glad I put it together. We loved seeing so many friends and relatives (I got lots of compliments on my facial) and it was comforting to know so many people who never met Lily still felt close to her through my blog.
Closing the casket was the worst moment in an otherwise special and quietly joyful day. Just that feeling of finality. Folding her blanket around her, touching her cold little hand for the last time. It was tempered somehow by seeing her dad carry her little casket by himself to the car. It just seemed sweet to this mother's heart.
Zar and I said a few words at the graveside. So strange to be at that same spot again. The day was so similar--bright and warm for February. Balloons all around. Pink flowers. The same white teddy bear was waiting for me on a chair.
This is what I said--or what I tried to say:
Throughout Lily' short life I found myself so often looking over her sweet little body, and thinking how dear she was. She had especially dear little feet. They were perfect. At times I thought to myself that her feet were foretelling of what she would do in this life--crawl, maybe even walk. They were just so suited to life on earth.
As it became clear the last few days that Lily wasn't going to stay, I remember holding her feet in my hands and thinking "What a waste." It seemed so wasteful that she would have been given such wonderful feet that she would never use. And then this morning as I was getting ready the thought came to me that it wasn't a waste. She would use those feet. She would walk and run and dance. The parts of her body that were not perfect would be made perfect, and her feet were a foreshadowing of what her body would one day be able to do. Just not in this lifetime.
When we chose Lily's name it was to remind us that Lily was in God's hands and He would care for her, just as He clothes the lilies of the field. Again, this morning I was enjoying all the beautiful flowers--especially the Lilies we have received, and I thought that Heavenly Father doesn't let the lilies stay long on earth, but that doesn't make them any less special. In fact in some ways it makes them more special. He lets them bloom on earth for a short time and their beauty is not wasted. Lily's life was not wasted. Lily was worth it.
I will miss you Lily, and I am so glad you came to our family. I am so glad you are with your sister, and that we have Ella and Ava. None of us are left alone. For now your dad and I will stay here with your sisters, but there will come a day when most likely we will be with you and your sister, and Ella and Ava will be here on earth together without us. But someday we will all be together again. It will come full circle. It will all be all right in the end.