Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Charlotte 1 month old

You know, for the past few years, especially the past year, I've wondered relentlessly how I was going to get my family here. We have known for more than five years now that we carry a rather serious genetic issue, and despite the doctors telling us it should lead to miscarriage, it SHOULD lead to miscarriage, it hasn't. Twice now.
And so Charlotte was born, and was the light of our lives, and changed everything, and we wouldn't change a thing about how it all went. Here are some things we said about Charlotte: She was meant to be just as she was. She was incredible. She was totally in charge. She was a gift from God. She was our greatest blessing. We would do anything to see her again.
But when the double pink lines showed up at 2 am in early March, I spent the night shaking and crying next to my husband, who I wouldn't tell for two more weeks. (it was the night of his emergency surgery, so he was too drugged to notice the sobbing.)
Despite the odds we've been given (12-25% chance of recurrence) and the fact I have a healthy biological child, conceived in the same whoop-si-daisy way, I knew this one wasn't...all okay.
I have spent the last two months terrified to tell anyone. I would tell a friend here or there when the moment seemed right, and I would cry, or sit and shake my head explaining again and again that I was doing a STELLAR job PREVENTING this from happening, unlike my last two pregnancies. So really, it's not fair that it happened again. And it wasn't my fault.
I know people will and are saying the following: HOW could she have let this happen again? WHY doesn't she get rid of it? HOW is she going to handle a toddler and two infants, one with special needs?
And to them I say...
I didn't. I can't. And by the Grace of God.
I don't know what is going to happen. I don't know if I'm in for a miscarriage, a baby who lives two hours at most (what we expected with Boofus) or another few hectic, stressful, scary-happy years with three babies.
Am I happy this is happening? Nope.
This is not what I had in mind when I figured God would give me a few easy peasy years before my next big trial. After all, we had a good quiet first year without Charlotte, and Ella brought us incredible comfort, and then just when I was thinking maybe Ella would grow up alone, he sent us our birthmom and soon to be Baby Ava, and oh yeah, I got pregnant. Like the same week.
But I can say this. Thank God I know what I know, Thank God He's sent us Ella, and very soon, Ava, (38 weeks!) and I can follow the lessons I learned back in 2005 and during the following three years, because otherwise what are lessons learned good for?
I can trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not unto my own understanding. I can be grateful for my family and my friends who support me. I can expect another amazing, incredible experience that will change everything, and that I know in the end I wouldn't change a thing.

But that doesn't mean I can't use your prayers.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

I will have more to say very soon.
Not quite ready.
For now
and 14 weeks.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Nearly too stressed to function but at least the sun is shining.
New baby could be here anytime! Within the next three weeks Ella will have a teeny tiny sister! I pulled out my teeny tiny little baby clothes yesterday, the ones that Ella, at a hefty 8 lbs 4 oz couldn't quite squeeze into at the hospital. This baby (and birth mom) do not appear to be quite so rotund as Ella and I did, so I am betting on the weensy ones, folded dearly on a dinner plate in the kitchen as we speak.
I also bought a pack of newborn diapers at the "grocery store" today, or the MARKET, as I like to call it, which for some reason can bring gales of laughter from my friends and co-workers.
I'm stressed, I'm on edge, I know anything could happen, Birthmom is more stressed and on edge than I am, so I guess I can be glad it's not my 17 year old body about to go through this ordeal.
Today we are getting that Labor inducing pizza from Cafe Trio for lunch, as birthmom requested on Sunday, although this morning I was informed that her tune has changed. A few contractions and instead of demanding the baby be born NOW, she is willing to wait for as long as she can.
Send her your prayers! To be so young, so far from home, so afraid of what's coming, and to not even want the baby that is putting you through all this? Can you imagine? All I can tell her is it will be over soon, and in a few more weeks she will be wearing her cap and gown (perfect postpartum attire) and graduating with her friends. And I will be the one up all night in dirty sweats. :)