Wednesday, January 20, 2010

20 days without a blog post.
Ella makes it difficult to type, she wants to sit and paw at the keys along with me. So I use my precious nap time to do other important computer things like look up recipes, check my daily sales and read other people's blogs. Then she wakes up.
Ella is now 15 months old. She is so dang fun. She is officially a late walker but it is getting better every day. She has mastered "no" and shouts it every few minutes in regard to just about everything--diaper changes, offerings of food, attempts to take off her shoes, random questions. ("Do you want a new sister or brother Ella?" "NO!" How 'bout a haircut?" "NO!")
Her signing is darling and she picks up new ones daily--more, food, mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, baby, please, all done, bye bye and milk. Doggy is forthcoming as well.
Tomorrow it will have been 11 months since we said goodbye to Charlotte. We so miss our little girl. We continue to struggle with how to continue to "grow our family".
My sister is expecting IVF twins (Hooray!!) but watching her go through the journey hasn't been very encouraging, even with this happy outcome. Plus the extreme extra cost and very low success rates for situations such as ours don't have me eager to get started. However I did put in the call to the center two weeks ago--the "we are ready, what next?" call, and after a brief discussion with our nurse I have yet to hear back. Also not encouraging.
Trying naturally is always an option, as most couples in our situation have the most success this way. However, they also endure many miscarriages and terminations. Termination is still not an option for us.
Adoption. This remains a very real possibility. However Zar feels it is a possibility later rather than sooner. As in, after one more pregnancy. Perhaps he'd feel differently if he were the one to have to go through the pregnancy, but maybe not, as the $20,000 price tag and incredibly gassy hormonal angry fat wife aspect of it hasn't dissuaded him thus far. And the IVF drugs would only make all those aspects worse.

Well I've just rehashed all the same things I've considered and reconsidered over and over again on this blog, in my head at night, and during quiet moments at work. And I'm no closer to an answer, or a baby.
Don't you just wish God would just tell me what to do, maybe in a sealed letter written in gold, a positive pregnancy test with an extra "genetically healthy" golden line on top of the pink ones, or through a knock on the door and a baby in a golden basket? I do.

Friday, January 01, 2010

HAPPY 2010!
Thought I had better do a New Years Day post, although I'm at my sister in laws with no photos to post.
2009 was rough. And I probably don't have to share why. But it wasn't all bad.
Was there a January this year? I don't remember.
In February we got the call telling us Charlotte was now an official Wish Kid, and we started dreaming of taking her to the Give Kids the World resort in Disneyworld, of around the clock ice cream and a summer visit from Santa. Twelve days later she was admitted to the hospital, and a week after that I had to tell her Wish person over the phone that she had died. We never really heard from them again, except the invites to family activities I have not been able to bring myself to go to.
Charlotte's death was a good death, as death goes. I think the image that will stand out most in my mind of that day forever is walking out of the hospital into blinding sunlight, shielding my eyes and looking up at the brilliant blue sky and thinking "This is the moment I have feared for four years." And it was okay.
Her funeral was really quite lovely, again, as funerals go. So many people came and touched my heart.
March was good in a strange floaty, surreal, holy protective bubble way.
In April the bubble gently popped.
May-I went to Disneyland and then a few weeks later to San Diego with great friends and it was refreshing and fun. Ella cut her first tooth at the San Diego Zoo.
June came and Charlotte would've turned four. Her beautiful perfect headstone was placed on her birthday.
July was hot, I'm sure, I started thinking seriously about Charlotte's Festival Tree. My sister got married.
In August we went to Newport Beach with my family and lay around on the beach and took Ella for walks on the boardwalk. She loved the sand and ate mouthfuls of it. My brother in law got married.
September I don't remember.
October, Ella turned one. Her birthday party was darling, all three of them, and Ella was charming in her giant petticoat petting her new rocking pony, Taffy.
In November I turned 29 and didn't care either way.
December was harder than I had anticipated, but I did a great job of making sure lots of fun Christmas activities were had. We road the Polar Express and went on a Christmas concert date. Of course the Festival of Trees was a huge, rewarding part of the season. I found out I was going to be an aunt to twins. Ella saw Santa three times. Friends came over for New Years for fondue and I made it to midnight this year, whereas last year I was in bed at 10:15, alone except for my kids, Zar far away at a football game. It was better this year.
And that's my Year in Review. It flew by. There are weeks and weeks that I don't remember at all, but there are moments and days that were very special or very good, in one way or another. So for all my grumblings and good riddance's to 2009, it didn't really treat me all that poorly. What I knew would come, came. And the world didn't end, although occasionally I still wish it would. But who doesn't?

By January 1, 2011, I will:
Be approximately the same weight. Yep, I've come to accept myself pretty fully in that regard, and I will not weigh 20 lbs less. I'm sure of it.
Unless of course, I am expecting a baby, via pregnancy, in which case I will be some amount up, but if I am pregnant, I vow not to gain 50 lbs this time. That was a bit rough.
And speaking of pregnancy, I will either
a. have a new baby
b. be expecting a new baby via pregnancy
c. be waiting for our baby via adoption

Ella will be walking... because she isn't yet.
And I renew last year's vow to keep my car cleaner. And to pick things up off the floor before I step on them and break them, and to try and not burn myself while cooking quite so often. And read more. And be sure to make lots of memories with my family and friends. And to write them down.