Oh Lily Pie. I didn't get to see her at all yesterday but thank goodness I'm sending milk to her. At least I feel like I'm doing something for her when I can't be with her. Zar dropped me off for a few minutes with her this morning while he ran some errands with the other kids. She was wide awake waiting for her bottle. She came off IV fluids last night as well as the Bili-lites. I'm glad of course but it makes it a little harder now that she COULD be held a lot more but I'm not there to do it. My parents have been great to go up for one of her feeds and Zar went late last night but it's very hard. Plus I've got the whole hormonal aspect which doesn't help. It will be so good to have her home. Unfortunately Ella has a little cold and I keep feeling a tickle in my throat so now I'm terrified of getting her sick. Just can't win.
Yesterday an Oral Surgeon went to check out Lily's tongue tie. He called me and was very through, explaining the benefits and risks etc etc, which I thought was impressive as I figured they would just clip it and be done. I consented in the hopes it would help her eat better and maybe nurse. It went very well but now she has this brand new tongue and has to learn to eat all over. It took a long time to get half her bottle down this morning and it was such hard work for her. She got the rest through her tube and was exhausted. It was hard for me too. Again, hormones and everything else, but I got home and had another little cry fest. She's doing very very well but it's so hard to watch your baby have a hard time. I hope we get the chance to have her with us and she gets a little older and is happy, like her big sister was. She went through so much but was just full of joy and loved living life. It made the hard times worth it when she was well.
Zar and I pretty much trade off feeling sad and discouraged. At least one of us always seems to be "up" to comfort the other. Every once in awhile it hits me that here we are starting all over again, waiting for test results while holding our breath, staring at monitors, praying so hard for holes to close and sats to stay up and our baby to come home. I just shake my head and think "how did we get here again?" Lily is doing as well as we could have ever hoped and I'm still feeling such heartache at what she has to go through, what we have to go through.
We are working on selling our car so we can get a minivan for our huge brood of infant girls. I mentioned I was going to be sad to lose our Sube, such a great car. Zar just walked in and saw me sitting here bawling and said "Really, it's just a car, dear."