Friday, June 04, 2010

Stuff on my mind today

Back to Work:
Well a month worth of days flew by (the nights were longer) and I'm going back to work tomorrow. The girls will be home with their dad tomorrow which always is nice, no crazy half hour drive to Grandmas and then back the opposite direction to work. I'm excited to hang out and talk with grown-ups and hope my scrubs fit...I should check into that before morning. Because there is a high probability that these will be my final four months of working before I become a SAHM with absolutely no disposable income, (Zar would argue we have none NOW, but I mean like, no more costco flowers on the front table) I should enjoy them. The flowers and the working days.

Ella is having them. When she gets frustrated or doesn't get what she wants she throws herself to the ground in hysterics, or worse, throws things. This morning she threw her cereal spoon across the kitchen and threatened to throw her bowl of cereal too. Technically it was my bowl of cereal, which she demanded for her own. She slapped her hands in the milk and then rubbed it in her hair while screaming. Hmmm. Is she too young at 19 months for time outs? A firm "no" just makes her more enraged. Any advice or tricks would be appreciated. She's a very passionate child. Sheesh. Also suddenly she won't eat anything.

Special Needs:
My attitude towards Lily and this pregnancy in general is changing. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my shallow complaining. Having a special needs kid is hard. It's hard to get out the door. It's hard to go to the grocery store. It's hard to go on vacation. It's hard to get a night of sleep. It's hard to be in a constant state of stress and worry and uncertainty. It's hard financially. It's hard to suddenly be living in the hospital for indeterminate periods of time, and that was hard when we didn't have two other kids. It's hard to watch someone you love desperately suffer, especially when they don't understand why they are suffering.
I've been remembering so many hard things; finding Charlotte unresponsive on the couch as an infant, getting frantic terrified phone calls from Grandparents or bus drivers, holding Charlotte down through 15 needle sticks for a routine blood test, waking to that "fever cry" in the night and knowing you are about to rush to the hospital, dealing with doctors who don't really think she's worth their time because she'll never discover the cure for cancer, endless daily bills, those horrible c-pap weeks, etc etc etc. I'm scared. But wow was Charlotte worth it. Ella, despite her tantrums, has been giving me un-begged for kisses these past couple days, and the words to the poem I read at Charlotte's funeral come to me--"I'll send a kiss through my sister, you'll know I am there." Life wasn't meant to be easy. But it's meant to be worth it, and there is nothing worth it like caring for a special needs child.

I had a prenatal massage two days ago. It was wonderful and I haven't had a headache since. I felt well enough to clean like crazy yesterday and to go to the grocery store AND to Costco AND get a bunch of thank yous written today. Zar says we can't afford it but it's feeling like a "need" to me.

Ava will be one month old tomorrow! She's getting fun now, I mean, c'mon, newborns aren't really the life of the party. She's making cute faces (smiling? maybe?!) and funny cute noises and staring at faces and calming when she sees me. She really is ridiculously beautiful. You just can't help but stare at her and touch her face. It's feeling a lot more natural now. I can hold her and make goofy faces and say "Oh! Where's dem burpens yittle beebee?"and not look over my shoulder to see if her mom just walked in. Oh yeah, cuz I'm here. Oooh snoogie.

Like Me:
I saw a woman at Costco today. She had two toddlers in her cart, a blondie girl and a little black boy who kept yelling "MAMAMA!" Oh yeah, and she was PREGNANT. I followed her around for awhile but didn't say hi.
"Oh Hi! What do you know!? We like....are the same...or you know...I see you are pregnant, and OH, you have child who doesn't look like you...and one who does...and man they are close together in you by chance have a trisomy child at home? Or did you?"
...I mean is this offensive?


Monica said...

Love this post! I wanted to yell "yeah, me too!" several times, but I restrained myself.

First of all, that little Ava of yours is gorgeous, like model gorgeous - wow.

18 months is not too young to put it time out, in my opinion. But with someone that young I usually remove her from the situation to a safe place (like her room) and walk out, letting her know she can rejoin the family when she has settled down. One of my favorite parenting books (although I think listening to it as an audio book is even better) is 1-2-3 Magic. It has been a life saver for me and misbehaving children.

Don't beat yourself up for having a difficult time, emotionally, with this pregnancy. The second time around is so much harder and you have been thrown back in the middle of grief, but its several aspects of grief all rolled into one: Flashback grief with a whole lot of triggers, Flash forward grief with the added pain of KNOWING rather than just guessing how it is goiing to feel and current grief over the loss of a healthy child. Be gentle with yourself.

Oh, and following that lady around the store, you're not the first to want a polite way to say "Hey! We match! Wanna be friends?" and have no idea how to do so in our overly politically correct world.

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

Wow, that little Ava is breathtaking! She is honestly perfection in a little teeny body. :)

I read this post and said yep ... yep ... yep. These things are all hard, and we wouldn't wish them on anyone ... but also wouldn't trade them for the world!

Ann said...

Firstly, i love the new header you have - the girls really look like two little dollys. What are they lying on, cheese cloth? It looks heavenly - what kind of camera do you use?

Well, I think that is pretty remarkable that you ran into your 'twin' at costco - it's funny, if you had less in common it might be easier to relate - like you just had toddler's you could look at one another if they were acting up, and shrug your sholders and say "kids will be kids", ha! Maybe you will run into one another again, maybe she has a blog, who knows? At the hospital I am always wanting to know what peoples lives are like, but that is when I am the least able to reach out to people, I always feel gross and reserved.
thank you for this post, you had my laughing in PA! Ann

Susan said...

Beautiful pictures! I think I know where the darling blue sweater came from and it looks great! I hope you enjoy having someone who likes to make things for your children! I love "Hey we match! Wanna be friends?" from the first comment. What a great opening line!