Thursday, May 20, 2010

Inappropriate Complaining and pics of Ella with her Food

I don't like being pregnant. Sorry. I know there is a huge population of women who would love to be able to get pregnant, and they spend massive amounts of time, energy and money trying to do so. So it sounds selfish and cruel of me to complain about the inconveniences and discomforts of pregnancy. But I'm justified. Because being able to get pregnant incredibly easily does not match well with fatal genetic issues. So let's go ahead and give me a free pass to say whatever I would like about the subject. Thanks.
This is my third pregnancy. My first two were not enjoyed by any means, but they were worth it. So I can only expect this one will be the same no matter what happens. But pregnancy is so different than I anticipated, like so many things in life. When I was a way young teenager I was so sure pregnancy would be wonderful and glowy and I was all reverent towards it. I bought a journal and wrote something ridiculous in the cover like "I can't wait until I get to experience pregnancy! I hope to save this journal to record those special sacred nine months!" Urg.
Turns out pregnancy to me isn't full of shy smiles and foot rubs and rocking in a chair in a sunny window (where I picked up that image I am not sure.)
It is immediate weight gain and exhaustion. Obviously this is a fairly common experience. But I don't even get thrilled reactions when I announce a new pregnancy. The first was announced over the phone at 5 weeks while I was at the ER having an ultrasound because I was just so sure something was wrong and I assumed that meant an ectopic pregnancy. So that stunk. Of course it only got worse 10 weeks later when tests started coming back poorly. My second, I had this incredible and SURE feeling that everything was fine, like I had nothing to worry about, so we announced it to family with happiness and Charlotte in a "big sister" t-shirt. And even though everyone cheered and acted excited, I overheard plenty of comments in the coming days and weeks that let me know that wasn't the "true" reaction. And when my testing failed to work and I refused to re-do the test...well...then I got the real doozy comments. But Ella was fine, and my Quad screen was fine, and she was fine on ultrasound, but I still didn't enjoy pregnancy, and people were still scared there would be something wrong, and I was scared of what my pregnancy meant for Charlotte, and I ate and ate and ate and gained 50 lbs and could barely get up the stairs by the end. And then I didn't really bond with Ella til she was over a month old due to all my pregnancy issues.
This pregnancy...oh man. I dreaded telling people so much I didn't tell my husband for a couple weeks. I prayed for a miscarriage. There. I said it. I told friends in tears. I said I didn't feel so great about this one. Telling my family was hell. I was so angry that this had happened in spite of my best efforts to keep it from happening. I was angry it had the potential to mess up our adoption. I was angry when people suggested I back out of our adoption because it wasn't fair to Ava to have to share me with a special needs kid when she was so young. And of course my testing came back poor, which was no surprise to me, so much that the doctor who told me the results over the phone was sure I didn't really understand what he was telling me due to my lack of sobbing and questions such as "do you know the gender?" And then of course my husband's crisis of faith when things didn't work out as expected.
So yeah, I really have a poor attitude about this pregnancy. I am still angry. I don't want to discuss it. When people mention it I say I am pretending it's not happening right now and I clam up. I'm angry that I'm so much more tired than I would be getting up in the night with Ava and I am terrified about it getting worse and worse as I get bigger and more miserable. I am terrified about going back to work in a couple weeks and being too exhausted to function and turning into a weeping mess every time I have to go on call. And I'm angry that I feel fat and tired and unhealthy. And I'm angry I feel this way. And none of this is taking into account what may happen once this baby comes.
I've had trouble sleeping the past few nights just thinking about all of this and had to get it out. I know it sounds bad. But it's where I am right now and maybe now that I've said it all, I can stop being so angry and work on finding...I don't know what. I feel I've accepted this. I even feel like everything will be fine. Zar and I were walking in the cemetery the other day and I was noticing all these old headstones of families; moms and dads and their multiple young children buried between them. And I said to Zar, "sheesh, we might as well be pioneers. We will have lost half our children." And then, for some reason, it didn't seem like that big of a deal. In a few decades it will be Zar and I buried next to two of our four daughters and if that's what it means to have everything be okay in the end, well, then that's that.


Jen I said...

I'm all for honesty. I get surprised when people say how refreshing it is that my blog is so honest, and then I wonder, so what, are you all lying? I'm not sure why people like to paint a rosy picture of their lives. Life isn't really rosy most the time. And yes, if anyone has license to complain, it's you. So I'm glad you're just letting it out. No one would judge you since no one has a clue what it's like to be in your shoes.
And such a strange thought about the pioneers. That is so true. It's like you were born in the wrong century and you're just reminding us that women have experienced it for thousands of years that way. But yeah, I guess in a happy ending sort of way, it is only temporary.
This comment is probably weird, but it seems pretty lame to just say something like don't worry it will all get better. It may not. But you have a lot of people rooting for you.

Stephanie said...

I agree with Jen. People can't handle honesty for some reason. I do know what you are saying....I would have 10 kids, if I didn't have to be pregnant! :) I don't know if it would help you to talk to somebody, just to get things out. Enjoy Ava. Things will work out the way they are supposed to be. We will keep you all in our prayers & we can't wait to meet your new little one. Hugs to all of you.

Steph and Christpher

Shannon said...

You can complain all you want Erin. Let someone walk a day in your shoes and dare say otherwise. And you know what? Go ahead and keep pretending that it's not happening if that is what helps keep you sane while you are dealing with an infant and no sleep. Also- just remember that even Christ asked that the bitter cup be removed. There is no shame at all in wishing that you had a better situation to be in. And I have to say again for the millionth time- you are handling all of this with so much style and grace- I love you.

Susan said...

There! I hope you can sleep now, and we can surely have a better idea what to pray for. Thank you for being honest. Who could possible blame you?
I love the promise that "God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes." That day will come when there is nothing to cry about. Until then we rely on one another for comfort.

Erin said...

As one of those women who can't get pregnant, I totally agree with you. I would not want to be in your situation at all. I am happier to have my chief concern be whether I can have a baby naturally or through adoption. I'm glad that you just let all you emotions out. Much healthier. Good luck to you. Ava and Ella and Charlotte were lucky to have you as a mom.

Lincoln said...

Bean, everything about you is inappropriate...especially your humor and honesty. Keep it up.

MK said...

Amen sister. Of course, I did like being pregnant but I was living in the wonderfully ignorant blissful world pre-balanced translocation diagnosis and pre-dead babies. Sending you hugs.