Wednesday, April 28, 2010
And so Charlotte was born, and was the light of our lives, and changed everything, and we wouldn't change a thing about how it all went. Here are some things we said about Charlotte: She was meant to be just as she was. She was incredible. She was totally in charge. She was a gift from God. She was our greatest blessing. We would do anything to see her again.
But when the double pink lines showed up at 2 am in early March, I spent the night shaking and crying next to my husband, who I wouldn't tell for two more weeks. (it was the night of his emergency surgery, so he was too drugged to notice the sobbing.)
Despite the odds we've been given (12-25% chance of recurrence) and the fact I have a healthy biological child, conceived in the same whoop-si-daisy way, I knew this one wasn't...all okay.
I have spent the last two months terrified to tell anyone. I would tell a friend here or there when the moment seemed right, and I would cry, or sit and shake my head explaining again and again that I was doing a STELLAR job PREVENTING this from happening, unlike my last two pregnancies. So really, it's not fair that it happened again. And it wasn't my fault.
I know people will and are saying the following: HOW could she have let this happen again? WHY doesn't she get rid of it? HOW is she going to handle a toddler and two infants, one with special needs?
And to them I say...
I didn't. I can't. And by the Grace of God.
I don't know what is going to happen. I don't know if I'm in for a miscarriage, a baby who lives two hours at most (what we expected with Boofus) or another few hectic, stressful, scary-happy years with three babies.
Am I happy this is happening? Nope.
This is not what I had in mind when I figured God would give me a few easy peasy years before my next big trial. After all, we had a good quiet first year without Charlotte, and Ella brought us incredible comfort, and then just when I was thinking maybe Ella would grow up alone, he sent us our birthmom and soon to be Baby Ava, and oh yeah, I got pregnant. Like the same week.
But I can say this. Thank God I know what I know, Thank God He's sent us Ella, and very soon, Ava, (38 weeks!) and I can follow the lessons I learned back in 2005 and during the following three years, because otherwise what are lessons learned good for?
I can trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not unto my own understanding. I can be grateful for my family and my friends who support me. I can expect another amazing, incredible experience that will change everything, and that I know in the end I wouldn't change a thing.
But that doesn't mean I can't use your prayers.