Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Charlotte 1 month old

You know, for the past few years, especially the past year, I've wondered relentlessly how I was going to get my family here. We have known for more than five years now that we carry a rather serious genetic issue, and despite the doctors telling us it should lead to miscarriage, it SHOULD lead to miscarriage, it hasn't. Twice now.
And so Charlotte was born, and was the light of our lives, and changed everything, and we wouldn't change a thing about how it all went. Here are some things we said about Charlotte: She was meant to be just as she was. She was incredible. She was totally in charge. She was a gift from God. She was our greatest blessing. We would do anything to see her again.
But when the double pink lines showed up at 2 am in early March, I spent the night shaking and crying next to my husband, who I wouldn't tell for two more weeks. (it was the night of his emergency surgery, so he was too drugged to notice the sobbing.)
Despite the odds we've been given (12-25% chance of recurrence) and the fact I have a healthy biological child, conceived in the same whoop-si-daisy way, I knew this one wasn't...all okay.
I have spent the last two months terrified to tell anyone. I would tell a friend here or there when the moment seemed right, and I would cry, or sit and shake my head explaining again and again that I was doing a STELLAR job PREVENTING this from happening, unlike my last two pregnancies. So really, it's not fair that it happened again. And it wasn't my fault.
I know people will and are saying the following: HOW could she have let this happen again? WHY doesn't she get rid of it? HOW is she going to handle a toddler and two infants, one with special needs?
And to them I say...
I didn't. I can't. And by the Grace of God.
I don't know what is going to happen. I don't know if I'm in for a miscarriage, a baby who lives two hours at most (what we expected with Boofus) or another few hectic, stressful, scary-happy years with three babies.
Am I happy this is happening? Nope.
This is not what I had in mind when I figured God would give me a few easy peasy years before my next big trial. After all, we had a good quiet first year without Charlotte, and Ella brought us incredible comfort, and then just when I was thinking maybe Ella would grow up alone, he sent us our birthmom and soon to be Baby Ava, and oh yeah, I got pregnant. Like the same week.
But I can say this. Thank God I know what I know, Thank God He's sent us Ella, and very soon, Ava, (38 weeks!) and I can follow the lessons I learned back in 2005 and during the following three years, because otherwise what are lessons learned good for?
I can trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not unto my own understanding. I can be grateful for my family and my friends who support me. I can expect another amazing, incredible experience that will change everything, and that I know in the end I wouldn't change a thing.

But that doesn't mean I can't use your prayers.

15 comments:

Tukuafu's said...

Oh sweetie- Sending love and prayers your way! You are amazing.. and THAT'S why you were chosen to carry these spirits.. Loves to you all!

Jennifer said...

I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

Lacey said...

erin, i think you are amazing and the fact that God keeps sending you babies is probably because he completely trusts you to love and care for them the way they need and you probably need them too. good luck and i will definitely have you in my prayers!

let us know when baby Ava comes! i can't wait to see her!

oh and ps, don't judge us so harshly, we really aren't thinking you are irresponsible. :) i am actually very excited for you!

katherine said...

ok. bawling. oh erin. you are so awesome. and God is so good, and so in charge!! we know and love you and He does too.

can't wait to meet baby Ava.

love you.

ok, back to praying . . .

Anonymous said...

I have been out of town and just came back to your tender post. You KNOW our thoughts and prayers are always with you and Zar! And that all your aunts and uncles will do anything they can do to help - anytime!

xoxoCarolyn H.

Lacey said...

You know, I know it will be hard, but I still say I'm super excited! God did this for a reason. He knows you can do it and so do we!

Jen I said...

Wow. Oh Erin. I cannot imagine. You are going to be the strongest person ever after all this. Even just having three little kids in less than two years I guess I can somewhat sympathize, so I can't even imagine having one with special needs. I look back at those roughest years in my life and I hope you can get help. Like real regular help. Or a house cleaner. Thank goodness you have family around is all I can say. You are EARNING your ticket to heaven, that's for sure.

The Snell Family said...

Loving you more, your thoughts and feelings are so honest. I think we are all in shock with you. You have so much love and support around you. I completely agree with your thoughts on lessons. I truly can't wait to meet both of your new babies. Remember you have a babysitter anytime you need one.
LOVE YOU TONS!!!
Juls

Amanda said...

Dearest Erin, words escape me. Just know that you are ALWAYS in my prayers. I pray that things go well for you and I pray to be like you. You are the most amazing woman I know. Strong, loving, and full of faith. Despite (or perhaps because of) everything you've been through. I agree with Lacey, you get these amazing babies because God trusts you and knows you will be the best mommy for them. Please know that I love you more than anything and no one (unless they're idiots) thinks you are being irresponsible. Things happen, no matter what measures we take to prevent them. That means things happen for a reason. Love you, love you, love you. And can't wait to meet Ava!!

Shannon said...

So excited to meet little Ava- and so excited to meet little sis too. You just need to remember that no one that truly loves you is judging you- God is the one in charge of all of this. He is the one who decides who goes where. We are all just along for the ride. We are behind you always- and will be there to help and support you any way we can- and we are all excited to experience that little piece of heaven again. Boo was so amazing and brought such light with her. It will be the same with this one- no matter what may come or for how long. Giving you hugs.

Becky said...

I continue to stand by my words...I am EXCITED for you! I KNOW you can do this. How lucky you are to be (soon) surrounded by three beautiful babies. I'm jealous and wish I lived closer. You are amazing and I am honored to know you.

Anonymous said...

Dear Erin,

You and Zar are always in my caring thoughts and prayers...with love from Aunt LeJeune

Susan said...

(((((((((((Erin)))))))))))))(((((((((((Zar))))))))))))))
Prayers. . . .love. . . . . support. . .hope. . . . trust. . . .faith. . . .time. . . . .talents. . . .means. . . .

the dingbat said...

Erin - you are amazing, beautiful, and will continue to be a wonderful mother! Thanks for being so inspiring to us all and I only wish we lived there, I'd be babysitting any and all babies in a heart-beat just so you and Zar could go out on a date! I LOVE YOU!

MK said...

I'd been waiting for this post so that I could tell you that you are one of the bravest, most loving, most amazing woman I've never met. I will hold you in my heart and I know that whatever happens, you will have the support of all of your family, friends and online sisters. Big hugs.