Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Nesting (adoption style)

Funny, I don't remember Zar helping out when I was feverishly scrubbing the window screens or filling the freezer with pounds and pounds of never-to-be-consumed hamburger before my previous babies came.
And yet Zar came home on Saturday with a storage unit for the basement, a new toilet paper holder to replace the broken one in the guest bathroom, and a can of touch up paint in Cornerstone for our walls. Our Home study was on Monday morning, and everything had to be perfect. In the end, it probably didn't have to be, but it sure feels good now that it's done.
It also feels good to have our year of "without Charlotte" firsts done as well. Our first Easter and Summertime at the beach, our first Halloween, long considered to be her favorite holiday as she was just so good at dressing up, and of course our first Thanksgiving and Christmas. The first year of hanging up her stocking despite the fact she wouldn't be here to dig suckers out of it.
The night before her First Angel Day I prayed for peace and lightness for the day, just as I had last year during her funeral and afterwards. And I got it. I was fine, and happy even, and we released balloons at the cemetery and left flowers and shredded money from Uncle Jake, for Chuck Money Millionaire, as was one of her many AKAs. The only time I got teary was reading one of the memories placed in our new Charlotte Memory Frame from Katie and Alex, which read "Remember how Charlotte loved sticking her fingers up everyone's nose?" I laughed and cried and didn't read the rest for now. As Zar said, we celebrated being one year closer to seeing her again. Later that evening the sun was going down and the cold grayness lifted. The clouds were pink and orange in a blue sky and and it was lightly snowing like golden confetti celebrating a special little girl's life. It was a good day.
Today, M, our birth mom came over and had lunch with me and Shannon and her kids, who are adopted. M held Ella until she fell asleep and the baby kicked Ella over and over, so hard I could see Ella jump a bit in her arms. We laughed and laughed and then M carried Ella up to her crib with me, to see the nursery where Ella will stay until she becomes a big sister. On the way back down she stopped me and told me she had chosen a middle name for the baby. I had asked her if she would be willing to help name the baby, and hadn't heard back and hoped I hadn't offended her. But she had chosen a name her Grandmother had always called her and so, in a way, had given her a name after herself. I was so happy, we hugged and she wrote it down for me and made me say it again and again to make sure I had it right. It is a wonderful Ethiopian name meaning Gift from God or Song of Praise. How very perfect and just what I had hoped for. Things continue to fall into place.


Lacey said...

I hope adoption stuff goes better for you. The baby we wanted they took her right out of our hands. And then I bumped into her at a doctors appointment. It was so heartbreaking, she is so beautiful. I wanted to grab her and run!

Shannon said...

M- really is so awesome! I loved being there and watching her play with Elles- it was amazing!

Anonymous said...

It sounds as if things are coming along beautifully and very naturally and that you will have a wonderful result for all concerned.

I love you and Zar and your darling children.

Carolyn H.

Becky said...

ERIN! My heart is so filled with joy for you and your family. All of the tender KNOW that Char is up there with both hands involved in all of them. Amazing!

Kelly said...

I'm so glad that you've made it through this difficult anniversary time, and with such hope and joy awaiting you! Is the birth mother Ethiopian-American? I ask because you mention the name, and because we are adopting from Ethiopia. Hope all goes well!