Wednesday, January 20, 2010


20 days without a blog post.
Ella makes it difficult to type, she wants to sit and paw at the keys along with me. So I use my precious nap time to do other important computer things like look up recipes, check my daily sales and read other people's blogs. Then she wakes up.
Ella is now 15 months old. She is so dang fun. She is officially a late walker but it is getting better every day. She has mastered "no" and shouts it every few minutes in regard to just about everything--diaper changes, offerings of food, attempts to take off her shoes, random questions. ("Do you want a new sister or brother Ella?" "NO!" How 'bout a haircut?" "NO!")
Her signing is darling and she picks up new ones daily--more, food, mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, baby, please, all done, bye bye and milk. Doggy is forthcoming as well.
Tomorrow it will have been 11 months since we said goodbye to Charlotte. We so miss our little girl. We continue to struggle with how to continue to "grow our family".
My sister is expecting IVF twins (Hooray!!) but watching her go through the journey hasn't been very encouraging, even with this happy outcome. Plus the extreme extra cost and very low success rates for situations such as ours don't have me eager to get started. However I did put in the call to the center two weeks ago--the "we are ready, what next?" call, and after a brief discussion with our nurse I have yet to hear back. Also not encouraging.
Trying naturally is always an option, as most couples in our situation have the most success this way. However, they also endure many miscarriages and terminations. Termination is still not an option for us.
Adoption. This remains a very real possibility. However Zar feels it is a possibility later rather than sooner. As in, after one more pregnancy. Perhaps he'd feel differently if he were the one to have to go through the pregnancy, but maybe not, as the $20,000 price tag and incredibly gassy hormonal angry fat wife aspect of it hasn't dissuaded him thus far. And the IVF drugs would only make all those aspects worse.

Well I've just rehashed all the same things I've considered and reconsidered over and over again on this blog, in my head at night, and during quiet moments at work. And I'm no closer to an answer, or a baby.
Don't you just wish God would just tell me what to do, maybe in a sealed letter written in gold, a positive pregnancy test with an extra "genetically healthy" golden line on top of the pink ones, or through a knock on the door and a baby in a golden basket? I do.

6 comments:

Shannon said...

Mmm- Baby in a golden basket does sound pretty appealing. I know that it is so hard to try and decide what to do. In a small way I experienced the same type of not knowing which path to take to get our family. We are behind you 150% with whichever road you choose- I am just excited to have another baby around!

Jessica said...

Oh Erin, I am right where you are. We have discussed IVF and adoption and are no closer to a baby. I so wish God would surprise us with.....something. The golden basket sounds best to me right now. Just know you are not alone. Contact me anytime.

{ Bethany } said...

"and incredibly gassy hormonal angry fat wife aspect of it hasn't dissuaded him thus far. And the IVF drugs would only make all those aspects worse"

I'm laughing at this...in a macrabre sort of way. If only the reality of it wasn't so sucky!!! I can imagine how hard it must be being torn between happiness for your sister, but mourning for your own hopes.

Whatever you decide, I hope you feel peace with it. *HUG* I'll be thinking of you this next month.

PS. Ella is adorable in that picture by the tree. What a sweetheart!

Becky said...

I highly dislike when we have to figure it out on our own. Sometimes it's nice to have the decision made for us...but then again, sometimes when the decision is made, it's not always what we were hoping for. It's not an easy road no matter HOW you look at it. I know that whatever you decide in the end will be what is right for YOU! In the meantime, you'll be in my prayers!!! xoxo

Erin said...

Good luck to you. We finally made the decision to go with IVF because we haven't been married long enough to adopt. I agree with your idea of an answer in a letter or a nice golden basket appearing on my doorstop. So many hard decisions. Good luck to you.

B said...

Yes. I do wish God would send a sign that meant no risk.

I know too well the weighing up of these options and they all suck. And taking a step in any direction requires a termendous amount of courage. At this point, there is no easy option.

Is your sister a BT carrier too?

I guess it makes some things harder and some things less lonely.

But it's a horrible thing.

With you as you remember your precious daughter Charlotte at this time.

B