Sunday, September 27, 2009


Today is our 7 year anniversary and the space bar is notworking well on our laptop. This will be brief.
We have never been big anniversary celebrators...one year we went to Lake Tahoe which was wonderful, and 9 months later we had a baby. Dear Little Charlotte.
Yesterday we had lunch at Rodizio grill and went to the football game. We bought a slice of cake and ate it out of it's plastic box in front of the tv once we got home. It was so romantic.
Seriously though, I love my husband. I think back to our wedding day and it seems like just yesterday, and the three years that went by before Charlotte was born is a blur. What did we do all the time? For years!? Here is what I remember: I had short hair, I was terrified of cooking, and I became a nurse. And we went to Tahoe one fall.
We have been through so much. In our tiny little seven year stretch, we have had two children, and did our best to raise the first to her fullest potential. We collapsed in the hallway and cried together after leaving the doctors office the day of her diagnosis. We were surrounded by angels and light the day she was born. We shivered through a night on the PICU waiting room floor without even a blanket while they worked on her. We have sat in waiting room after waiting room...waiting for news, holding hands, shaking.
And then Ella came with the sweet reassurrance that she was fine, even before we knew she was fine.
And shortly thereafter, the sense that Charlotte was almost finished here.
And then the morning we held eachother in another waiting room, and decided to call our families to come say goodbye to our first born.
Again there were angels that day, and light, and now the slow dimming as we get further and further away from Charlotte's life, that brief brilliant miracle. As our lives fade into normalcy.
Which, is, slower. But delightful, to watch Ella babble and crawl, pull to stand and throw an absolute fit when the drum sticks are taken away. The walks in the beautiful old cemetery, the smiling over Charlotte memories; it really isn't so bad. Most days.
And where will we be in seven more years?
Will we have more children, or a solitary 8 year old daughter? Will we still be in this home, and if not, how can we leave behind Charlotte's pink room?
Will I have short hair again?
It's exhausting to think on it.
So, today, we will walk in the cemetery with our nearly 1 year old, and only think back, on what was and is, and leave the rest for another September day.

Sunday, September 20, 2009


It's been a thoughtful weekend.
On Saturday at 7 am I was leaning against my bed in my scrubs, all ready to go downstairs and leave for work. It was quiet and beautiful, still peaceful and dawnish out, and I was reminded of the morning I woke up early and went out to stand in the front room and look out at the dawn before work, and had the sense that this day was an end and a beginning for me. Hours later the phone call came that told us the baby inside of me would never be normal.
I had my cell phone in my pocket on Saturday, and I pulled it out to check my emails. And I found out that Eva had passed away that morning at home with her mom and dad. Eva was 3 months old and the daughter of a woman who contacted me just days after Charlotte died to say she was in the same situation I had been in, pregnant with a baby diagnosed with an unbalanced translocation unexpected to survive her birth day. Eva did survive and taught her parents and big sister so much. She was so loved.
I know what they are going through, I know what it is like to leave your baby girl in a funeral home and feel like you should stay to take care of her. I know the feeling of wandering the house before bedtime missing your chores, not sure what to do with yourself. I know what it is to comfort yourself by picturing your daughter dancing in heaven with those who have gone before. So I've been thinking of those first days and those last days with Charlotte this weekend, and I've been a little quiet, a little weary and sad.
Tomorrow it will have been seven months, and despite this weekend, this month has been easier than the last. Ella has kept me busy, learning to climb stairs and forever crawling frantically towards open doors and other sources of danger. She also discovered Charlotte's bedroom this week, crawling in from her room and pausing to play with Charlotte's abacus, one of her favorite toys put away after the funeral. She stood at Charlotte's bed and reached for the white winged teddy bear there.
I stepped into the other room and heard Ella squeal, and looked in to see she had managed to turn on Charlotte's princess nightlight by herself, which made her laugh, and nearly made me cry.
They are more rare, but the little Charlotte moments still come.

Thursday, September 10, 2009






Just a few pictures today. Ella went down for her morning nap and I told her while she was sleeping I would work out (Jillian Michaels 30 day shred On Demand) be all dressed and ready and we would leave the house and hit the streets to search out the perfect 1st Birthday Cake as soon as she woke up. Granted, the birthday is still a month away, but here I am still in my work out clothes, still sitting on the couch, and uploading photos after having bought some fall baby clothes online and checking in on my blogs and facebook and babysteals. Ella is awake and has removed her pants. I guess she senses it's going to be a casual day. Maybe having the internet at home isn't such a great idea.

Above is Ella at Newport Beach this summer, where she consumed much sand which kept her bowels moving at a breakneck pace.
Ella and Caro hung out all day on Tuesday and attempted to flatten one another throughout the day, but were dang cute doing it.
This morning I tried to fix Ella's bed head hair with water and a bow, and the result was this glamorous look complete with cheerio beauty mark.

I will go get dressed now, at nearly 1pm, and we will visit at least one cake shop. That's my goal for this entire day, and it will be about all I accomplish, aside from the uploading and checking in and baby clothes shopping. So not a complete waste.

Thursday, September 03, 2009


Ella had her 9 month doctor's appointment today, less than a week shy of her 11th month mark. She is in the 10th percentile for weight (for an 11 month old, not a 9 month old), the 25th for height and the 75% for head. Still petite, but firmly on the charts so I'm happy. She also got a flu shot and her hematocrit is 35%, which is apparently fine for a baby. I forgot to ask about her thumb sucking, so I guess it will have to wait for her 1 year appointment, which will be in December when she is nearly 14 months old.
We got the okay for her to eat whatever, so I have scrambled an egg for her and hid the left over baby carrots in it that she would not eat yesterday. Very sneaky. Ella is more of a tomato and green bean kind of girl.
Football season begins today, and Zar was so excited last night he could barely sleep and popped out of bed at 6:30 without a single groan. He pulled out his lucky Utah golf shirt he wore to every game last year and hasn't worn since the Sugar Bowl. He breathed in it's wrinkly polo-ness and sighed so loudly he woke up Ella. Grrr.
We went and met with a new Reproductive Endocrinologist yesterday. We just were not having good experiences at the University clinic. The new guy was much more encouraging than the old guy and talked about some new "latest and greatest" form of genetic testing that will probably be a little cheaper than we had anticipated. We made a tentative plan to start getting our ducks in a row in December so we can attempt a cylce in February. I'm still not sure how I feel about this, but I know IVF is not really my first choice, and it's not Zar's either, but rather a compromise. We agreed not to discuss it until December and then decide what to do. If we choose to do IVF, we both need to be fully invested and excited about it. That's the rule.
I decorated for Fall yesterday, which does include three large glittery bats, a few glass pumpkins and a light up plastic Jack-O-Lantern. Zar asked me if I am aware of what month it is. I don't care. One month is not enough time when you have cute Halloween decor to display. The way I see it is this--September and October is for Halloween, November and December for Christmas, January and February for Valentines, March and April for Easter, and after that the Decorating Season ends until September. I'm not a big Independence Day Decorator.
Last year I didn't fully get into Halloween due to the whole giving birth through major surgery thing, but on Halloween I pulled out my trusty black maternity dress which I wore for about 82% of my total pregnancy, threw some plastic spiders in my ratted hair and went as...not sure on that one, but something large and black and ratty. My snickers bar above says "Substantialicious" which I definitely was. Oh delightful post baby cushiness.
The next day I was bawling tears of happiness at hearing my first Christmas song on blessed FM 100. Yes I was only three weeks postpartum, but I doubt that had much to do with my excessive emotive joy. Oh Star of Wonder, star of-sniff-Night! I just love Holidays.

Well Ella has decided she is ready for her carrot egg.
GO UTES! WOO!