Wednesday, December 09, 2009


I have been busy and not in the mood to blog.
I remember a psych class in nursing school, talking about how the Holidays are especially difficult for those who are grieving. I actually remember thinking that I felt I would have an easier time during the Holidays, what with the focus on the Savior and Goodwill to all men, service and Joy to the World. So life decided to teach me a thing or two.
The Holidays are hard. They are wonderful. I love Christmas, and the last thing I would want would be for it to become a sad time. But Christmas definitely brings everything to the surface, the music, the the lights, everything seems to bring an achy, lonely feeling. Like something barely remembered but desperately longed for. I have to expect the first year to be the most difficult. I am still enjoying this time of year, and it's still zipping by too fast for me. Zar would have something different to say. But setting up the Christmas tree on a snowy day, I wish I had two little daughters here to stare at it wide eyed and fall asleep in the glow of it's light.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad we all have happy memories of Charlotte at Christmas time to bless our lives. But for you it is especially difficult. Your tree was one of the best memorials to her - it was so special and elegant and young and youthful and just like that little darling - brightening spirits. We love you all.

Carolyn H.

Amanda said...

I miss her too. Every single day. But she's in heaven dancing around and singing and laughing, playing with the world's biggest Christmas tree. I'm sure of it. Love you!

Becky said...

We love you Erin! That picture is darling. Thank you for sharing.

Jared and Kalleen said...

This is probably the best Christmas we've had since Jared's dad died. It has taken a huge toll on us, especially Jared and his mom. I can't imagine what you are going through. Hopefully each year it will get better like us.

Lincoln said...

"Like something barely remembered but desperately longed for."

I tell ya Bean...I love your writing.

Michelle said...

LOVE that picture :)

Sarah said...

I know how you feel.

Shannon said...

I love you Erin. I wish there was some way I could help ease the ache.

B said...

This is a beautiful post. I like the line "the ache of something barely remembered but desperately longed for". It's ghostly huh? And a physical pain, carried right in the heart.

You are doing so well. May you find a little peace this Christmas.

B