Sunday, September 20, 2009


It's been a thoughtful weekend.
On Saturday at 7 am I was leaning against my bed in my scrubs, all ready to go downstairs and leave for work. It was quiet and beautiful, still peaceful and dawnish out, and I was reminded of the morning I woke up early and went out to stand in the front room and look out at the dawn before work, and had the sense that this day was an end and a beginning for me. Hours later the phone call came that told us the baby inside of me would never be normal.
I had my cell phone in my pocket on Saturday, and I pulled it out to check my emails. And I found out that Eva had passed away that morning at home with her mom and dad. Eva was 3 months old and the daughter of a woman who contacted me just days after Charlotte died to say she was in the same situation I had been in, pregnant with a baby diagnosed with an unbalanced translocation unexpected to survive her birth day. Eva did survive and taught her parents and big sister so much. She was so loved.
I know what they are going through, I know what it is like to leave your baby girl in a funeral home and feel like you should stay to take care of her. I know the feeling of wandering the house before bedtime missing your chores, not sure what to do with yourself. I know what it is to comfort yourself by picturing your daughter dancing in heaven with those who have gone before. So I've been thinking of those first days and those last days with Charlotte this weekend, and I've been a little quiet, a little weary and sad.
Tomorrow it will have been seven months, and despite this weekend, this month has been easier than the last. Ella has kept me busy, learning to climb stairs and forever crawling frantically towards open doors and other sources of danger. She also discovered Charlotte's bedroom this week, crawling in from her room and pausing to play with Charlotte's abacus, one of her favorite toys put away after the funeral. She stood at Charlotte's bed and reached for the white winged teddy bear there.
I stepped into the other room and heard Ella squeal, and looked in to see she had managed to turn on Charlotte's princess nightlight by herself, which made her laugh, and nearly made me cry.
They are more rare, but the little Charlotte moments still come.

6 comments:

Becky said...

Beautiful picture Erin! Beautiful post - as always. Thinking of you...

Our Family said...

I love that picture! Thanks for shaaring your thoughts!

Lacey said...

I sit here with tears streaming down my face. Jax has been so naughty lately and has a risky procedure coming up Friday. Your post really hit home because I can't imagine what I would do without him. The wandering around the house, not needing to start feeds or get meds. I would go crazy. Your such a strong person and I admire you so much.

Kelly said...

I am glad you are finding those Charlotte moments here or there. And what a beautiful photo - how special.

Mrs. Langeland said...

This post was especially touching to me.

As a teenager, I befriended a girl who was in a vegetative state in a long-term care facility. She was my age, but had drown when she was two, and had lived this way ever since. Through many hours sitting, talking, hair combing, and countless hours getting to know her mother, we developed a very special relationship.

It was very sad when she passed away a couple years later.

After she was gone, I had a very real dream in which I saw Eva dancing in a field of wild flowers. It was so comforting to know that my friend was happy and ok.

I have know doubt that children have a very special, beautiful place in heaven.

Thanks for your post and for reminding me of this special friend.

Shannon said...

As always I am sitting here crying when I read about Boof. She is one in a million. You are such a strong and incredible person Erin. I would have had a nervous breakdown long before this...I am so happy that we know where Charlotte is and that she is ok. And it would not surprise me at all if she was there and helped Ella find out how to turn the light on. I love you- and am so grateful for you-