Monday, August 31, 2009

Awhile back I went through a rough few weeks during which I just couldn't fall asleep at night. Instead I would lay in bed and images from Charlotte's life would flash through my head--not pleasant images. Holding her down while they placed IVs, having her so sick and pale she could barely stay awake, her hair thin and her eyes sad. Seeing her white hand on the blue sheet as the doctors tried-again-to place an arterial line. Her fevers of 105 and above. Those horrible, endless nights trying to force her to leave her C-PAP alone, the hateful mask smashed against her little face forcing air down her lungs all night long.
I would lay there for hours tense and exhausted and so, so sad. So heartbroken. Charlotte had so much more than her fair share of pain.
I went to a psychologist and told her my whole story, and told her I couldn't sleep because all I could think of was Charlotte in pain. I was hoping she'd offer me some blessed ambien, but she didn't. She said "But can't you just see Charlotte watching you and saying 'Oh mom, relax. I'm fine." And that's all it took. I slept better, immediately. Well, that night anyway.

While I was pregnant with Charlotte, Zar and I were primary teachers for a group of 5 year olds. Right after she was diagnosed, we were in Primary and during singing time we learned a song that went, in part "My life is a gift, my life has a plan, my life has a purpose, in heaven it began..." and I would repeat those lines to myself over and over as if Charlotte herself was singing it for me, reminding me that she just wasn't some "accident."
I teach a group of 7 and 8 year olds now. On Sunday we sang that song again, for the first time in more than four years. It came right back to me. Only this time I noticed the end of the song, instead of the beginning. It goes "And I will be happy on earth, and in my home above."
Charlotte was happy on earth. I am so grateful for that. She loved dancing and books and the school bus and dogs and her grandparents and stroller rides and baths. She loved life. And she's still happy. The only difference is there is no more pain. No more needles, or arterial lines, or C-PAP or haircuts. I'm just happy she's happy.


Jessica said...

Thank you for sharing Charlotte with us. I think of you often and am blessed when I see updates to your blog. We are on a similar journey with our Sweet Eva and knowing you helps us feel not so alone.

survivingbaby said...

Thanks for sharing this. Sounds like while Charlotte loved life, it's because she loved the life you and your hubby created for her. You made her life fun despite all the yuckiness. You love her and she loves you. You made her short life good, you need to think about that before you fall asleep at night and be proud.

Amanda said...

I can picture Boof up in heaven rolling her eyes and you when you can't sleep. And I completely think she's saying, "Moooooommmm, I'm fine. Go to sleep!!" I miss her so much.

Becky said...

i'm glad you are sleeping better. i am grateful that you are recognizing the 'tender mercies' that He places in our path. i KNOW she is happy. :)

Shannon said...

This post had me crying. And you are right. Charlotte LOVED her life- and I totally agree with surviving baby- she loved it because you and Zar made it fun for her despite all of the challenges. You took her fun places, and made sure she was just another kid. I have thousands of memories of you laying by her on the floor just to show her a new toy or spoil her with suckers. You were and are the perfect mom for Charlotte- and I know that she is there just waiting for the day that she can run and show you all of the exciting things she has been doing. I love you-

{ Bethany } said...

*HUG* I feel the same way.