Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I have come to a frightening realization these past few days. I am not exempt. My family is not immune.

Yes, we have been through a great trial but that doesn't exclude us from further suffering. I almost feel that the enormous blessings we received through having Charlotte just make us more vulnerable. To pain. To sadness and illness. To death.

I don't want to cower here on earth. I don't want to fear God, fear the lessons left for me to learn. Fear more loss. At first I felt that after going through losing Charlotte, I could get through anything. I don't think that anymore.

I see Ella crawling, making her way ever more quickly to an ever widening world of dangers, and I am terrified.

I don't want to be a mom filled with fear, afraid to let my children grow up. My child, rather. Because despite all our efforts, we could remain a family of four, with just three of us huddled together in this dark world.

Or we could have another child, another beautiful, amazing child, with serious medical problems. It could happen again. We are not exempt. Each roll of the dice is independent, is a gamble.

Is this another phase of grief? The strange euphoria, the numbness, the gratitude, the longing, the hope, the sorrow, the fear?

My heart is filled with fear.

I am trying to have faith, I am trying to place my burdens at the feet of my Lord and remember that life isn't all up to chance. I am trying to rely on God and feel Charlotte close. Please Charlotte, hold my heart, and may God write His will upon it.


Our Family said...

Oh Erin I you are amazing! I think that I look forward to your posts cause hey are so real and honest and help me in my little non important struggles! thanks Shirlene

Michelle said...

Although I'm not a mother, I think what you're experiencing is normal. I know as I've gotten older, I've become more fearful of the what if's and maybe's. When I was younger, I use to think that bad stuff only happened to "other people", but the older (and wiser) I became, I realized that I am "other people" because I'm not immune. I think as we age, we become more aware of what is around us, what can affect our lives, and why it's so important to appreciate what we have. Thanks for sharing such honest thoughts in your blog. It helps me to know I'm not the only one out there who thinks about these kinds of things :)

Becky said...

I've missed your posts. I'm sorry you are hurting so much. There is more joy in raising our children than not...so even though it's a scary, dark world - YOU make it a better place for them. :) xoxo

Alexis said...

I've never replied to a blog in my life. My mom said you had started one. I read it last night before my girls night out. Cori Cannon was their and straight out asked me if the lose of Charlotte had led me to live differently in order to somehow continue her legacy. Cori's grandfather, George Cannon, died the day Jesse got married. Anyway, I just cried and cried and said that yes I think we all strive to be better people but that suddenly the comfort of seeing her again is a little bogged down with the idea that seeing her again is so very far away. I also told her about the time when Zar was 17 and I was20 and he said to me. "If I wasn't your brother you wouldn't be my friend." He was very wrong then and even more wrong now. He's my hero that's all their is to it. Grieving SUCKS. I miss her. Alexis