I have come to a frightening realization these past few days. I am not exempt. My family is not immune.
Yes, we have been through a great trial but that doesn't exclude us from further suffering. I almost feel that the enormous blessings we received through having Charlotte just make us more vulnerable. To pain. To sadness and illness. To death.
I don't want to cower here on earth. I don't want to fear God, fear the lessons left for me to learn. Fear more loss. At first I felt that after going through losing Charlotte, I could get through anything. I don't think that anymore.
I see Ella crawling, making her way ever more quickly to an ever widening world of dangers, and I am terrified.
I don't want to be a mom filled with fear, afraid to let my children grow up. My child, rather. Because despite all our efforts, we could remain a family of four, with just three of us huddled together in this dark world.
Or we could have another child, another beautiful, amazing child, with serious medical problems. It could happen again. We are not exempt. Each roll of the dice is independent, is a gamble.
Is this another phase of grief? The strange euphoria, the numbness, the gratitude, the longing, the hope, the sorrow, the fear?
My heart is filled with fear.
I am trying to have faith, I am trying to place my burdens at the feet of my Lord and remember that life isn't all up to chance. I am trying to rely on God and feel Charlotte close. Please Charlotte, hold my heart, and may God write His will upon it.