Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Yes, we went to California. Again. It will be the last of our attempts to escape life. In the weeks immediately following Charlotte's death, we felt like it was the most important thing, to be together, to get out of town, to focus on having fun as a family. So we planned a trip to San Diego, and then were invited to Disneyland, and planned on that too. It was ill advised, due to our financial situation, but in the end it's just money, right? Money we should have been saving to pay for adoption or IVF or a down payment on a house or something. And now it's gone, and it's over, and we are home again with pictures and good memories and a stuffed Okapi from the San Diego Zoo. And I'm glad we went. It was wonderful.
But what a bummer to be home again! Today at work I was asked to go to a procedure at Primary Children's. I would've been fine to do it two months ago, even a few weeks ago, but now I'm not ready. I pictured going down to the blood bank which is right across from the PICU where Charlotte died in my arms, and I teared up. It was the first time I've cried at work since we lost her. I said I couldn't do it. I said I just wasn't ready and I was sorry, and I made my co-worker go do it even though she had other things to do and she had to stay late. I feel terrible about it, but I knew I just wasn't capable of keeping it together and providing competent quality care. I've been to Primary's a few times since Charlotte died, but somehow it's different when you are there as a care-giver and not a visitor. I'm not sure how, but it is.
Grief is not a linear process. It comes in waves. It comes at night and is dimmed by morning. It comes when I see a picture of her I haven't seen in awhile, when I write her name in the sand and watch the water take her away before I can get a picture, when I look at the price lists and success rates for IVF and feel hopeless and afraid. Grief comes and goes, but lately, mostly it just stays.