Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Here's me having some sort of spiritual experience on Space Mountain on Saturday. Back row.
I thought for sure I would have news by now. I don't. They told Zar today that the results weren't "where we thought they were" and that it can "take up to a month." Which was last Monday. Oh well, limbo isn't so bad. I'm not entirely sure I'd be comfortable going through with IVF with this clinic at this point. They appear to not know how to look up their own lab results. Hmmm.
I read C.S. Lewis's book, "A Grief Observed" last week. It is a quick read, all in one sitting, written as a journal in the weeks after his wife passed away from cancer.
It was recommended by a man my mother met, who mentioned that there is an assumption among religious people that if you really have faith you shouldn't need to go through the grief process because you "know" you will see your loved one again.
Believe me, I have no idea how you would go through life, especially the death of a child, without faith. How terrifying. What tremendous, crushing emptiness that must be.
Lewis, in his book, compares faith to a strong rope. It is one thing to have have confidence in that rope, to know it is strong and good when you are using it to secure a box. It is a different thing when you are asked to dangle over a cliff with only that rope to support you. Do you really trust your faith now? This is what losing a child is like.
Yes, thank goodness I can say that I still trust my little rope. I'm suspended over a canyon, the very Valley of Death, but I'm dangling. I'm not falling. Or maybe I'm flying through the dark on a rollercoaster. Sometimes all you can do is keep hanging on.