Thursday, April 16, 2009


Sheepishly I filled out the questionnaire. Yes Ella can sit briefly without help. Yes she smiles spontaneously. Yes she squeals with delight. Yes she can push up on her arms. Yes she turns to her name. Yes, yes yes. Do I still have questions about my child's health? Yes.
Why is she so yittle!?
I got Ella into the doctor a little earlier by calling and claiming she had a rash. (fingers crossed.)
Ella is officially 13 pounds, 5 oz. She is on the 10th percentile, which pleased me. She is 26.6 inches tall, the 75th percentile, which also pleased me. It apparently pleased Dr. Metcalf too. He felt the ratio was fine. A little skinny. Plotted on the growth chart, her weight has fallen off a bit. She is going back in 6 weeks for a weight check up. I'm going to power pack the little sucker a bit. No daughter of mine is going to be skinny. It goes against everything my angst ridden body issues represent.
In all seriousness, just writing down my fears about Ella helped to calm them. Seeing Dr. Metcalf and watching Ella flirt and smile and show off helped too. I feel fine. Ella is fine. She is developing fine. Thanks for your concern and for checking back. Whatever issues may arise down the road we can handle. No child is perfect, genetically or otherwise.
In other news, yesterday I dropped off Charlotte's wheelchair to her preschool classroom as a donation. It was hard. I had kept the little red wheelchair in the living room for weeks, and then moved it to the hall, but kept telling myself that it was too heavy to lift into the car on my own, or that I should really thoroughly clean it first, and take off the masking tape that says my daughters name, and find every spare nut and knob that came with it, and then I'd take it in.
In the end, I got up on Wednesday, lifted it easily into the hatchback, loaded Ella in the car and drove the three minutes to Truman Elementary. I didn't wash the seat covers. I didn't wipe the fingerprints off the arm rests. I didn't remove her name. I just took it, and wheeled it into room 41.
Her teacher said she missed her and I started to cry. I haven't cried over Charlotte in weeks.
I left the little red wheelchair and I will miss it, sitting in the corner with the white winged teddy bear sitting in it's seat.
It was just one more thing I had to let go of.

11 comments:

We have Angel Wings said...

My Dearest Erin,

I know that we are just finding each other, but my heart is broken for you. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet little girl.

No one should ever have to go through this and I just don't understand it. I wish I could take your pain away and let you know that somehow, some way, the pain will go away. But it doesn't. I don't think that it ever gets easier, I think that we just learn how to live with the pain.

I will be thinking of you. If you ever need anything, know that I'll be there for you, with open arms.

All my love,


T

Andrea said...

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear, sweet Charlotte. Both of your girls are absolutely beautfil. I will keep your family and sweet Ella's health in my prayers.

Andrea said...

oops, and I can't spell *beautiful*

Terry Family said...

Dr. Metcalf is a great doctor! He covers sometimes in the office on Saturdays for our doct and my boys like him a lot. He was actually the doc that saw Zach when he was first born. I'm glad Ella is okay. I'm really glad to hear that but don't ever be afraid to make the doctors see you. You have every right to be worried about your childs health, even without everything else you've been through.

MJ said...

I am coming over from Tarah's blog and wanted to tell you how amazing I think you are. I've spent the last 45 minutes going back and reading our posts and have been brought to tears. I am so sorry for the loss of you beautiful daughter. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

~Meghan

Shannon said...

I am so glad that Ella is ok- and that you are feeling a little bit better. My heart just broke when I read that you took Boo's wheelchair in. I know how hard that must have been. How wonderful though that Boo can still continue to bless people's lives-... her sweetness definitely has stayed with me. Love you!

Kelly said...

Hi Erin - I'm just finding your blog after you commented on mine (about adoption references). I believe you recently joined the BT yahoo group as well (I remember reading your story). I am so, so sorry about the loss of your daughter. I cannot imagine how hard that would be. I'm going to go back and read through some of your prior posts. Take care.

survivingbaby said...

Hi Erin, I just came over from Tarah's blog. I am so sorry for the loss of Charlotte. I have a balanced translocation and no living children (twins boys that live in my heart). I'm so, so sorry.

Terry Family said...

What a relief it must have been to have your concerns about Ella put to rest -- your doctor is great to fit you in and to put your fears at ease. I really do think it's amazing that you donated Boo's little wheelchair to her preschool -- how hard that must have been. You are amazing, Erin.

Marsha said...

I'm so glad you were able to get to the doctor sooner and that you are feeling good about Ella's weight.

Susie said...

In regards to a higher height percentage than weight my pediatrician always said that is just what you want in our day and time, as children are generally heavier.
As for the red wheel chair. . . well . . . I'm glad you took it with all the love still all over it. It's hard to believe it's been two month, and yet, it must seem like forever.
Much love~