Sunday, April 12, 2009


I'm going to be perfectly honest. I'm worried about Ella. I told myself, and everyone else, that I wouldn't compare Ella to any other baby. I said that I'd already had that kind of stress with Charlotte, and now I've learned that kids develop on their own terms in their own time. So I'm embarrassed to say that I'm scared. Not a lot. But a tiny bit.
Ella is tiny. When she was born she was 8 pounds, four ounces, a good, chunky sized baby. By her four month appointment, she was just under 12 pounds, and had dropped to to the 10th percentile for weight. She is now six months old, as of yesterday. From what I can tell from my fiddlings with the bathroom scale, she is about 13.5 pounds. Which is what, the 5th percentile? A little less?
We were paying $450 a month for my insurance, fantastic, premium insurance at a part time rate, and with Boo, it was worth it. I canceled it right after she left us. We are now on my husbands less fantastic insurance, insurance that makes physicians (like my dad) roll their eyes and say "Oh Great." So we've had to change pediatricians, and I can't get into our new one for three more weeks.
I'm probably being dumb, because developmentally Ella is right on track. She can sit for brief moments on her own. She is eating solid food, she rolls both ways and is trying to crawl, she babbles and laughs and is a happy, darling baby.
And that's the other thing. She is so, so happy. She has had two fits in her life, she doesn't cry much, she just smiles and laughs and coos all..the...time. I probably shouldn't complain, but is that normal?
And she has very sensitive skin. It actually has gotten better, but her chest is covered with rough bumps and she breaks out into hives when dogs lick her.
And that's it. I'm being ridiculous, right? I've just lost a child. A wonderful child, with special needs, and maybe I know a little too much about genetic disorders, and development, and what can go wrong. Getting started with IVF, and the genetic counseling, and the testing, has made me look at Ella and say "How is it possible you were born normal?" Because really, the chances are very small.
Like Ella.

6 comments:

Shannon said...

Erin- You have been through the most horrific thing that any mother could go through- It totally makes sense that you want Ella to be ok!I am not a doctor- but I think Ella is just petite- and perfect! We will be praying for good news when you take her to the doctor.

Amanda said...

Let's face it, Erin, my love. You are always going to be a little more worried about Ella than most parents would be because of what you went through with Charlotte. And sometimes all the knowledge that we gain from life makes us worry about the future. When you worry about La-La, think about this. Jack only weighs about 14 pounds. He's NOT on the growth curve. Ella is a a bit shorter than Jack (who, let's face it, is a bean-pole) and a month younger. She's right there developmentally with Jack. Even farther along in some cases (crawling, for instance). I'm sure she's just perfect. And just what you deserve. But if you are worried about her weight (and other issues) see if you can get her in to another pediatrician just to get her checked out. That way you won't have to worry for 3 weeks until you get it to your other one.

Marsha said...

If you feel like something might be wrong with Ella I am all for harassing the doctor until he is positive that everything is alright. My doctor will see us within a few days if I have a specific concern, but not anytime soon for a checkup. Maybe call them and express your concern. Hopefully they will let you come in soon. If not, our insurance is THE WORST so I'm sure you would qualify to see our doctor. Love ya!

Terry Family said...

I know what you mean. Because of Zachs cancer Josh has had more than one CT scan because I was paranoid there was something wrong. We have every right to be concerned. If you really think something might be wrong I would call and at least try and talk to a nurse at the doctors office. They might be able to help get you in sooner! Good luck!!!

Terry Family said...

Erin, just like all the others have said, it is completely natural for you to be extra concerned about your little Ella after what you've gone through with Charlotte. Because Boston has Autism and they suspect that genetics DOES, in fact, play a part in it, I have been watching Isaac like a hawk ever since he was born -- always asking questions like why didn't he walk sooner, or does he have enough words? The fact that our second son could have a developmental delay as well, or ANY problem for that matter, is a fear and concern ALWAYS on our mind. In fact, Isaac will be getting tested in regards to his development this next month. You will always worry about Ella -- but there is nothing wrong with worry because it leads to action, and action leads to answers. I hope your answers for you cute, petite daughter are good ones. Good luck.

Becky said...

i hate those nagging feelings of concern. i would agree with everyone else and encourage you to call sooner than later. she is a DARLING baby. she looks so much like charlotte - it's amazing. i'm so glad you have her. keep us updated!