Thursday, April 23, 2009
Ella is wonderful. I love being her mom. I love watching her grow and everything she does shocks me. She reaches for a toy, she sits on her own, she makes a hilarious high pitched squeal, and I am certain I am in the presence of genius. Ella wants to crawl so badly. She gets so frustrated laying on her tummy and trying so hard, she ends up crying and exhausted. I just smile and tell her she'll get there soon. Too soon, really. Just take it easy!
I miss Charlotte so much. I end up crying and exhausted too. I have good days and bad, good hours, bad minutes, moments of joy and despair. But I am comforted to know she was here as long as she needed to be. In her last few weeks, I could see a difference in her. She had started to understand that she was different. She had a difficult winter and missed a lot of school. Her final report card mentioned, more than once, that she seemed tired and had lost some of her skills she had in the beginning of the year. I cried when I read that. Charlotte knew she was different and that her time was short, and I think she stopped trying quite so hard.
I know, if she were still here, that seeing Ella sit, and squeal, and reach and grasp, would have frustrated Charlotte, maybe even hurt her little ego, and that's the last thing she needed. Charlotte knew she was loved, that she was popular and special. So she went to where she can do and be everything she wanted. Where she can fly.
I miss her but I know it was time for her to move on. She took it easy while she was here, she was my baby for so long, and it leaves me breathless to see how quickly Ella is growing. And to know what my baby Charlotte is doing now.
I'm sure she watches me cry and struggle and fight and just shakes her head and smiles. You'll get here soon Mom. Take it easy.