Thursday, April 23, 2009


Ella is wonderful. I love being her mom. I love watching her grow and everything she does shocks me. She reaches for a toy, she sits on her own, she makes a hilarious high pitched squeal, and I am certain I am in the presence of genius. Ella wants to crawl so badly. She gets so frustrated laying on her tummy and trying so hard, she ends up crying and exhausted. I just smile and tell her she'll get there soon. Too soon, really. Just take it easy!
I miss Charlotte so much. I end up crying and exhausted too. I have good days and bad, good hours, bad minutes, moments of joy and despair. But I am comforted to know she was here as long as she needed to be. In her last few weeks, I could see a difference in her. She had started to understand that she was different. She had a difficult winter and missed a lot of school. Her final report card mentioned, more than once, that she seemed tired and had lost some of her skills she had in the beginning of the year. I cried when I read that. Charlotte knew she was different and that her time was short, and I think she stopped trying quite so hard.
I know, if she were still here, that seeing Ella sit, and squeal, and reach and grasp, would have frustrated Charlotte, maybe even hurt her little ego, and that's the last thing she needed. Charlotte knew she was loved, that she was popular and special. So she went to where she can do and be everything she wanted. Where she can fly.
I miss her but I know it was time for her to move on. She took it easy while she was here, she was my baby for so long, and it leaves me breathless to see how quickly Ella is growing. And to know what my baby Charlotte is doing now.
I'm sure she watches me cry and struggle and fight and just shakes her head and smiles. You'll get here soon Mom. Take it easy.

18 comments:

UnicornMommy said...

Wow.

My heartaches for you. I was reading your post and I had this intense pain in my chest. I wish I could give you a hug.

I could never imagine losing a child I have grown to know and love. Yes, i have had two m/c but they weren't little people. I didn't even know their gender. I mourned they're possibility.

My insomnia stems from losing my Mom three years ago in Feb. This is the fist time in thee years I have gone without sleep aid.

I'm so tired. I hope the lack of sleep doesn't effect the baby.

Hugs to you. I know how quiet and sad night time can be.

By the way. I love the pictures of your girls, they're beautiful.

katery said...

awwww, that is so very sad :( i'm glad you have ella, but i wish you still had charlotte too, i'm sure she will always be in your heart, but it's just not the same as being able to kiss their foreheads and hold their hands. i hope your heart is able to heal although i'm sure it will always ache from your loss.

Shannon said...

We all miss Charlotte so much. She is a one in a million girl- and I feel so lucky to have been a part of her life. And I feel just as lucky with Elle- she is an absolute joy. I know that it is so hard to have Charlotte be gone from us- and I wish I could ease the ache...but just know that I love you- and would do anything in the world for you.

Best When Used By said...

Erin, Thank you for visiting my blog. I'm so sorry for the recent loss of your precious Charlotte. I see you are a nurse. I was a practicing pediatric RN up until 2002 when I started law school. I often rotated through the NICU and know what special little angels those babies are. I'm so glad you had enough time to get to know Charlotte's spirit.

You noted that we are pursuing embryo donation/adoption. Please feel free to ask me anything you'd like about it. If you prefer to be more anonymous, email me at www.bestwhenusedby@gmail.com

We feel so lucky and blessed to have had someone donate their embryos to us. What a gift! I can't wait until our transfer and I'm feeling so incredibly positive about it.

Looking forward to following your story.

survivingbaby said...

My heart hurts for your loss. I know how bad this hurts. Please know that I am thinking of you and sending warm thoughts your way.

Mr. Shelby said...

Sending you warm thoughts. Thank you for sharing this with the community.

Mr. Shelby (from ICLW)

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

I have tears streaming down my face. What a beautiful post about both of your beautiful daughters.

Sending hugs your way.

*ICLW*

We have Angel Wings said...

Erin~

I'm at a loss for words right now. I sit here with tears streaming down my face and I wish there was more that I could do or say to let you know how sorry I am that you're going through this.

I'm sending you lots of love and many hugs.

All my love,

T

Becky said...

I LOVE this, I love your perspective. I admire the way that you handle your grief with such grace. Love and miss you.

WiseGuy said...

Wow! This is the first time I have made my way to your blog....I did not read the intro initially, I was caught on by the pictures on your sidebar...Ella's squealing, and Charlotte's graceful picture...Charlotte looks so beautiful in that red hood/cape.

I am very sorry for your loss. I am sure Charlotte will always know how much she is loved and missed everyday. Ella is beautiful. I hope that you plans to add to your family fructify. Good Luck!


*ICLW*

•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• said...

My heart aches for you .I' m so sorry you only had your Charlotte for a short while.She was so very precious and her legacy will live in in all those that knew and loved her.
(hugs)
Thank you for sharing her story... Both our little Charlottes are flying free in heaven's playground.

hi, I am visiting from ICLW...No. 35 to say hello and to check out your blog.
My Little Drummer Boys

Kristin said...

What a beautiful and heartbreaking post. Both your daughters are/were little beauties.

I am so sorry for your loss but I'm glad you have Ella and your faith to carry you through.

And, you look pretty darned incredible in that post-birth pic.

~ICLW

C Lo said...

Your girls are beautiful and I feel lucky that I stumbled over here and got to read about them and let you share them. *hug*

iclw

Parenthood For Me said...

I am so sorry about Charlotte. Ella is beautious. You are strong and brave and a great mom. I can just tell by reading a few posts.
Erica
ICLW

Mrs. Gamgee said...

Thank you for sharing your beautiful girls with us. I am so sorry for your loss. Know that ((hugs)) and prayers are being sent your way.

April said...

Oh my heart is tender for you as you watch your baby grow and miss your sweet Charlotte who is growing in another place... Sending love your way.

Dee said...

As the time gets so close to going to the beach and thinking we are going to see Miss Chuckles, and knowing how are hearts I feel. I can not imagine how yours feels. I am sure she is filling in Ella and letting her know how fun it will be. I heard you guys are going later in the summer. We will miss seeing you there and little Charlotte. My kids still ask if we are going to have a little party for her on the beach. The answer if yes, and we will be wearing our necklaces. Thanks for sharing her with us once a year.

tireegal68 said...

I am so deeply sorry for your loss - your Charlotte sounds so beautiful and so strong and precious. Your writing and your spirit is inspiring. I am glad you have Ella, and know she must bring you such great joy. I am sending love and hugs your way to you and your hubby. Your girls are both so beautiful. You must be so proud of your family.
thank you so much for sharing this with us:)
I hope the healing continues. I can't imagine how hard it must be.