Tuesday, March 03, 2009


The last time I held Charlotte, I knew it was the last time, and in fact she had already gone. I held her against my chest with her head on my shoulder and I said "oh I will miss this delicious weight." And oh I do.

Ella is a different weight, less by half (half her weight at five months!) and full of crazy baby energy, like a coiled spring. I am so grateful for Ella and her happy blue eyed smiles and I know she has saved us from unthinkable loneliness.
If she wasn't here for me to hold, missing Charlotte's weight would be unbearable. Even though it feels different, Ella is more like Charlotte than anyone else on earth. They are cut from the same cloth and I'm happy Ella's blue eyes echo Charlotte's, and they have similar crazy hair, and they both like scratching the sheets as they fall asleep.
I'm also happy Ella is all sweetness and easy smiles and contrasts with Charlotte's smugness and knowing sly grins. Ella reminds me of Charlotte, but not so much that I can't enjoy Ella's goodness while remembering Charlotte's Grace.

5 comments:

Lacey said...

What a cute pic. Baby watching her big sister play. I'm so glad you have Ella. Someone to keep you busy and to see Charlotte in her little face.

Anonymous said...

Hi, Erin,
This is Naomi from the University of Utah. I remember you and little Charlotte-with-the-cutest-smug-smile well. I don't know what to say other than I'm so sorry for your loss.

Lacey said...

You are so sweet. We didn't think we wanted a wheelchair for Jax yet because he is so little still, we were going to get him a special needs stroller. But we would love to look at it and see if it would work for him, and if not, we could probably find someone who could use it. We should get together with Julie and do lunch sometime.

katherine said...

erin, you are such a beautiful writer. and i am amazed by your strength and grace. hope you don't mind me peeking in a bit! take care!

Amanda said...

Charlotte was smug from about day one. You could tell that she knew so much that was going on... she was smarter than all of us put together.