Monday, March 30, 2009
It's my bedtime. But I haven't slept well the past few nights--I have too much on my mind.
We have embarked on a new adventure, a new, expensive, crazy, dangerous adventure.
Zar and I went last Wednesday to the Infertility clinic. It was strange to explain things to the doctor who had not yet looked over our medical records. We have had two pregnancies. Neither of them were "Planned." Both resulted in a live birth. "So why are you here?" he asked.
The doctor was compassionate, and knowledgeable, and honest. He made lots of sighing noises while looking over our karyotypes. There were multiple long silences as he stared at his own drawings on the white board. He began our education in yet another language.
Charlotte taught me a new lexicon, on top of the dozens of medical terms I already had read about in school. Balanced Translocation, CTT (carry to term), trisomy mom, SOFT. Now it's ICSI (icks-si), FISH, Hyper Stimulation Syndrome, Lupron. Our lives, and our vocabularies, are never boring.
Nothing is for sure yet. We have a test or two to undergo before we make our decision. There are special considerations. So although we aren't committed, there is a lot to think about.
What keeps coming back to me, is even if we go through with this, and go into tremendous debt during a dangerous economic time, and even if I give myself shots every day for weeks, and go under anesthesia, and some embryos survive, and are healthy, and the transfer goes well, and the bed rest works, and the shots continue, and the test is positive...after all that I still have to be pregnant for 40 weeks.
Not to mention the possibility of miscarriage, or other genetic issues not tested for, or my high risk for hyper stimulation resulting in cantaloupe sized ovaries and a gut full of fluid. And the no guarantee. No guarantee! So don't ask me why I can't just have faith, get pregnant the old fashioned way and let the chromosomes fall where they may. Pre-Diagnostic In Vitro Fertilization takes lots, and lots of faith.