Thursday, March 05, 2009

I have been asking myself these past few days why I am so blessed. I feel so blessed, in fact, that it makes me fear that I haven't been through enough and the last few years have only been preparing me for something more. 
Why was I blessed with three and half years with a beautiful, sweet, amazing child who wasn't supposed to live a day? Why was I blessed with knowing her, with seeing her grow, seeing her learn and love and progress? She should not have done any of that.
And I have been blessed with incredible friends who adored her as well, who take care of me and my family. I have an equally amazing family on both sides who treasured Charlotte and still do. I have more support than I can say. I am carried through everything. 
And before Charlotte went home, I was given another daughter, a beautiful little sister to Charlotte who comforts me beyond belief, and inherited all of her sister's little girl things so they didn't just become painful reminders. 
And in the end, we were all there, her whole family, to hold her and kiss her. She didn't go in the night. She didn't go in fear, in pain, amidst desperate what ifs and emergency telephone calls. She let us say goodbye and know we had done all we could do. 
And now, even though I can't hold her body, I feel her as close as if she was still in the room. And I think she is. 
I feel like the luckiest mom alive, and it truly does scare me. If this isn't more than I can bear, what more can I expect? 
All I can do is be grateful and try to pass on the blessings I have received, and hope the valley of despair isn't yet to come. 

3 comments:

Amanda said...

You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. And the fact that you can see your life and all of its blessings right now, of all times, shows me that you are even stronger than I knew. You are blessed and you deserve to be. You've been through enough.

Alison said...

Dearest Erin

Thank you so much for the beautiful message that you wrote on my blog about Losing Daniel.

You are a special person, reaching out to me with words of comfort and understanding at a time when you have yourself lost a precious child.

You and your family are also in my thoughts and prayers.

Love
Alison

Shannon said...

Erin- I don't think that there is worse out there. I just think that you handled it with HUGE amounts of Grace and Dignity. It is amazing that you can still see the blessings out there through all of this. You are one incredible person!