Thursday, February 19, 2009
Wow, I wish yesterday had been as easy as my boring bleak schedule promised. I did not watch Law and Order. I did not see Ella at 2. I did not sleep alone in my big bed. I wish.
Charlotte took at bad turn last night. During American Idol, she started to drop her oxygen sats. She had been at 100 on 5 liters all day (I know, FIVE LITERS) and just dropped to 97 or 98. When I told Zar over the phone he freaked. But it was just two or three little points. By the time Zar arrived three hours later she was on 8 liters, and satting at 93 or so. She got a super nebulizer treatment and a chest x-ray and a blood gas. Her xray was white. Bad news.
But when I left at 11:30 she was on 6 liters, and 96 or so. Not too bad. I went to my moms, gazed at sleeping Ella and flopped into bed. My phone rang at 1:02 am. Charlotte was not doing well. I got up, looked at Ella, got dressed and drove back to the hospital, shaking wildly the whole way, my response to scary situations. She was on 15 liters and a new mask, and floppy and not good. Not good. We followed behind her bed and they took us to the ICU, where I don't remember much due to exhaustion and overheating. This is the second time this week I have nearly passed out and had to have a nurse tell me to sit down, when they should have been able to focus on Charlotte. "Don't tell them I'm a nurse" I begged Zar.
I was at moms sleeping again from 3-6:30, and I got to snuggle Ella this morning and drive home with Zar for a change of clothes. Charlotte is on high flow nasal cannula, 8 liters, alert and complaining, sharing a room with two other kids with RSV. The PICU is a rough place. They kick you out from 7-8 both morning and night to talk about your kid without you weeping over their shoulders. Zar got yelled at for changing Charlotte's oxygen, something he is trusted to do at home by the hour. The alarms go off every couple of minutes and you can't tell who's alarm it is. An angry, scary dad swore at the donut lady this morning when she told him not to take more than three. I did not miss being here.
We are okay still. We both feel like she will pull through this again, even if it takes a long time. We have been given so much more than we ever thought we'd get with her, so much time, so many smiles and laughs and milestones, so much. Grandma Hayes said yesterday that her biggest fear before Charlotte was born was not getting to get to know her. But she does know her, and incredibly, Charlotte knows her too, and none of us ever expected to get that.