Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I read yesterday in some slutty magazine that having a baby is like going through the excitement of falling in love again but with someone much younger and better smelling.
This is definitely how I feel about Ella. I have the same gooey, nauseous feelings I had during my "courtship" with my husband. I remember Zar fastening a necklace around my neck--a fire opal be bought me while on a cruise with his family a month before we got engaged. I remember he said something...not sure what, but he sounded all warm and teary and I remember feeling so filled with love and sweetness and chocolate syrup that I felt like throwing up. This is how I feel when Ella gives me her half smile, or when she grunts like a little pig while stretching in the morning, or while looking down into her big eyes in her dark room at night feeding her and humming the theme song to "Baby Signing Time."
Baby baby baby signing time...
Motherhood is different this time. I will try to describe it without disrespecting, or lessening my incredible experiences with my first born, Charlotte. With Ella, I am all in. I have no fear, not even the normal fears a mother should have. I never sneak into her room to see if she is breathing. I never think of life without her. Charlotte always did, and still does, feel like a very special gift, an almost otherworldly creature that I get to love unconditionally but can't mess up, and can't keep. She is in charge, her and God, and I get to be a part of her visit here to earth. Her spirit is perfect, and she is here to help raise me, and not the other way around.
When Ella was born, it was like God handed her to me and said "This one is yours. Yours to screw up and yours to influence. Good Luck."
While Charlotte is a wise, all-knowing tough old soul, Ella is a child.
Ella doesn't remember where she came from, while for Charlotte, I believe the veil is very thin.
Ella looks at me and it's clear she thinks I'm the be all, end all, and I am so full of love and
sweetness and responsibility I want to throw up.
I could spend hours cooing into her sweet little face, kissing her tiny pink feet, signing "Mother" over and over and whispering "Mother! Mother! I'm your mother!" Loving Ella is all warmness and cuddles and aching for time to stand still. It's lullabies and stars and little furry animals the same way falling in love with Zar was Etta James and summer nights and sparkly things. For the record, falling for Charlotte was bittersweet and holy, loneliness and reverence. Feeling God so close yet so far away.
Am I making any sense? I feel like how I did trying to explain to Katie how I felt about Zar, how the only thing to do was to put Michael Jackson's "I'm Bad" on the stereo and dance around the apartment wildly. There is no explaining it. It's just incredible, excited, desperate, nauseating love.


Amanda said...

Nauseating is a great word for how you feel about Ella. I feel the exact same way about Jack. I have turned into one of those crazy moms who is nuts over her kid. The kind of mom who used to make me cringe. And I love it!

Lincoln said...

The girls are adorable.

But, and please forgive me, I'm skeptical of those dresses.

Shannon said...

I know how you feel- although- I still find myself running into Kenna's room to make sure she's ok. But- I'm probably a little OCD. :)

Alex Drake said...

Katie writing here, under Alex's sign-on. I have absolutely no memory of this "I'm Bad" moment. Maybe I lost that along with my other memories of most of my life prior to pregnancy.
I think you did a great job of explaining how you feel about the girls. With Boof, its like you are just watching her for a while and she really belongs to someone else, but with Ella, she is all yours. Nights running around in bra and panties and all.

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

You explained that so perfectly. I have often wondered why I responded that way with our youngest son...the one born after the three we lost. Now, I think I understand why I have been so free and fearless with him.

thank you for saying it so perfectly.