Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Biggest Loser came back on last night. It is one of my favorite shows. I am quite into makeover shows and it is pretty much the ultimate. My sister Allison suggested we do our own version and weigh in after the show each week. Five of my sisters friends showed up to participate excited about the idea, all saying they wanted to lose five pounds or whatever for whatever reason. When it came time to weigh in, they all started whining. No one wanted anyone else to know their weight. How ridiculous, I thought, and I wrote mine at the top of the chart. Eventually everyone else did as well, after much boo-hooing and many excuses. I looked at these darling, early 20 something girls, all in skinny jeans and tall boots and couldn't believe how silly they were being.
I wasn't being remotely fair. When I was their age, I was desperate to lose weight. I had been bulimic for nearly 10 years and getting sicker every day as my wedding approached. My fiance knew all about it and called me every afternoon to encourage me to keep my lunch down. I tried to live on LA weight loss bars, I ate ice out of bowl with a spoon and called it soup, I didn't the energy to work out but tried to anyway. I was dizzy and puffy and tired all the time. My throat was always sore and my face was red and broken out. I was really struggling and did so for the next three years.
When I got pregnant the first time I had gotten into the routine of going to the gym every morning before work. I felt fantastic. I was scared about gaining weight but promised myself I wouldn't throw up while pregnant. I did a pretty good job, especially once Charlotte was diagnosed at 22 weeks and my body became the least of my worries. I gained 33 lbs with that pregnancy and the weight fell off right after she was born. I was lucky. Not that I didn't want to lose more weight, but my body didn't change too much from my first pregnancy. Very occasionally i would have a bulimic binge but nothing like before. My weight fluctuated between 142 and 148 lbs. I wasn't thrilled with it but I decided I would be happy if I stayed under 150 lbs.
I really wanted to get back to the gym. I have always loved working out, or at least how it makes me feel. If I can get some exercise almost every day then my body issues stay away. Even if my weight stays the same I feel healthy and strong and I don't have bulimic rages. 24 hour fitness agreed to watch my baby in their kids club, even though she was on oxygen and wasn't a typical kid. I was working out often and felt great. My weight went down to 140.
In 2007 my new sister in law Stephanie asked me to go to a yoga class with her. I had done a yoga class in college and enjoyed it, so I agreed. Turned out this was a bikram yoga class, taught at 6 in the morning in a room heated to 110 degrees. It was 90 minutes long. The first day I nearly passed out multiple times, at one point I begged for death, but walking out of that room into the cool morning air was absolutely euphoric. The rest of the day I felt light and happy. I started going once a week and have never felt stronger.
Around this time I joined weight watchers at work. It really worked for me and I dropped down to 132 lbs. Dang, I felt so sexy. All of a sudden I could fit into these awesome clothes and I couldn't believe that my husband and I used to fight about my habit of wearing gym clothes 24 hours a day. With the money I was spending on designer jeans, he might have regretted asking me to make more of an effort.
It was short lived. I got pregnant. I immediately gained four lbs. At my first appointment my doctor still commented on my weight loss and how good I looked. At my second appointment he commented I must have had a good cruise as I was up 15 lbs. By late pregnancy he was calling my weight gain "A little rich." I gained 50 lbs. I ate whatever I wanted. I didn't care at all.
My baby was born nearly three months ago. This morning I weighed 142 lbs. I'm already near my goal weight of 135. Doesn't matter though. A 50 lb weight gain takes it's toll. I'm not so sure things will ever be remotely the same again.
I don't care. This is what spanx are for, right? I don't know if I will ever get back into those $200 jeans, but I bought a pair of levis for $24 on Black Friday that look and feel almost as good.
I want to be healthy. I want to feel strong and still enjoy a good workout, maybe one day get back to Bikram Yoga. I doubt I will ever have a bulimic episode again. I hate throwing up. Whenever I get a stomach bug and end up losing it, I think "I can't believe I used to do this ON PURPOSE!" How ridiculous. How silly.


Lincoln said...

That's sweet of Zar to call you and encourage you to keep your lunch down.

I'll remember that as a more...well...tactful approach.



Spliz said...

I gained 50+ with all three kids. welcome to the greatest club ever.

Amanda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amanda said...

Remember when we were in Park City hanging out in a condo and you were in the bathroom with the door closed and I knocked and told you (jokingly) to stop throwing up and then it turns out you really were throwing up? Hi-larious! Okay, not really. You didn't tell about it until YEARS later. Former bulimics unite! You are an incredibly strong woman and I have always and will always look up to you. Even though you are short.

Shannon said...

Way to go Erin! I'm proud of you for fighting through the bulemia and getting Hella sexy the safe way! You are a rockstar! (PS- can I just say to- that I think that you look amazing at any weight- and it boggles my mind to think that you look like you do and you are trying to get thinner?! What more is there to lose?!) AH! My life!