Sunday, December 28, 2008
Zar and I spent all of 2008 and most of 2007 as nursery leaders in our ward. At first it seemed fun and easy--hang out together and with Charlotte and teach lessons such as "I am Thankful for Fish." Also the snack time was a bonus, even if it was just marshmallows and pretzels.
After a few months, though, I really started to miss Real Church. Nursery could be exhausting--I liked most of the kids, one or two in particular, but I was tired of trying to play on hard cold floor in a dress. Plus there was the screaming, the pooping, the boogers, the fact that everyone without small children thought we were inactive. I started to feel like I was inactive as well. I kind of started to act like it.
Then winter came, and Charlotte caught a cold. For most kids, no big deal, but for Charlotte it can be life threatening. We suspected she had caught it from nursery--the boogers and coughing had been extreme that week. Charlotte's doctor recommended we get out of nursery ASAP. In December 2007 we explained this to our Bishop who said he would work on it.
A few weeks later they released...the other nursery worker.
Now I was feeling bitter. I'm sure there were plenty of lessons to be learned that I missed, but I was furious. I felt like my daughter's life was in danger and no one cared. I started taking her to Relief Society with me and leaving Zar in nursery. He was very dedicated and long suffering. I was just mad.
When the spring came, Charlotte went back to nursery and did fine. By this time I was pregnant and playing on the floor was out of the question, but I wasn't trying anyway. The kids I really liked were gone, the new ones were just babies and I spent nursery with Charlotte making sure no one sneezed on her and she didn't touch any filthy toys.
Finding substitutes for nursery when we were going out of town was virtually impossible. No one was keen on being ward babysitter, even for a week. I hate to say it, but I hadn't felt so far away from the church ever before in my life. I was still bitter, angry and losing faith.
One September Sunday I had a complete break down. Zar had been in Michigan for a few days that week and I had been home alone with Charlotte who was very sick. I had changed 7 diapers, outfits, and blankets the night before. There was a little boy making an ungodly wailing noise which scared Charlotte and she started to scream. I was 36 weeks pregnant. I started to shake and sob. Zar had to take me home.
I stopped going to nursery. A few weeks later I had a brand new baby so I stayed home. The day I went back I sent Charlotte to nursery with Zar, and I took Ella with me.
Charlotte got sick. She was sick for weeks. I don't know if she caught it in nursery, but she caught it somewhere. Just when she seemed to be getting better, she stopped breathing on the school bus. We ended up in the hospital.
Last week we saw our Bishop. "Charlotte doesn't have the same immune system as other kids. She can't be in nursery. We need to be out of nursery."
"We'll work on it." said the Bishop.
This week I took Charlotte with me and Zar took Ella to nursery. When I poked my head in after relief society, Zar told me we were being released today. Or rather, he was being released. I released myself months ago.
I am thrilled to start a new year Not In Nursery. I know it's my fault, that I didn't magnify my calling, but being in nursery for two years really, really hurt me spiritually. I don't understand why we had to be in there so long. I guess the only positive thing I can say is I didn't leave the church over it. I have another chance, another year. I feel much better about church already, and I feel like I'm on my way back. I hope my next calling, and my actions, bring me closer to God, instead of just anger and bitterness. I also hope it doesn't endanger anyone's life. Guess I'm funny like that.