Monday, July 03, 2006

URGENT TO BRITNEY

Urgent to Britney--I still believe!
Oh sweet Britney. We've been through so much--me hating you with such passion when you first came on the scene with Baby One More Time--please forgive, I hated my beloved dog Molly when she was young and perky too--and writing my infamous version--Now Your Boobs Look More Like Mine. Making up the dance to "Sometimes" and performing it on cruise ships, drawing a picture of you with udders in the red jumpsuit to Oops I did it Again. And finally I relented, accepted, and you became my ally, my beloved.
Blasting What U See is what U Get before going clubbing to get my confidence up, defending your haircuts, your voice, your videos. I cringed when you started smoking, I forgave that ridiculous concert with the rain, I carried around your keychain depsite it all. I pretended to understand the suicide video and danced to the remix with a ten year old girl.
And then...Oh I weep for you!
The trucker hats, the cigarettes, and then...sin of all sins, that hideous man child of a husband!
Britney, we've been through a lot together. I know you wanted to rebel, to grow up, and it wasn't your fault a million seven year olds were singing "I'm a Slave For You" in the shower, much to the horror of their mothers. I rebeled myself in my mild, mormon girl way--(ie. making out and iced coffee from 7-11)--Hell, hon, we've been pregnant together. But it's time to grow up for real now. I don't blame you for the baby snafus; you can't be the only one making the carseat mistake or my doctor wouldn't ask me about our carseat at every biweekly visit.
I must however, as your friend, your ex lover, one only looking out for your best, --point out a few serious issues.
One--the Husband. You know he was a mistake. DUMP HIM.
Two-the clothes--you aren't 13 anymore baby. And arms don't look so giant and fleshy if you cover them a bit. Same with legs. We shorter, rounder girls don't look hot in minis and flip flops.
Three-the Hair. I see you've dyed it--good girl. It was looking way stripperish.

Finally, love, I want you to know I say all this because I LOVE YOU. You are a Goddess and you should act like one. Leave that nasty man and marry that sweet looking body guard of yours, give the uterus a break and let your body recover before you go for #3. No matter what, sweetums, I will buy your next album, but please no masturbation songs, how embarrassing for you.
You will always be the Talented Miss Spears and all is not lost! Pull yourself out of the gutter! Hit me Britney One More Time! I must confess, I still BELIEVE!
Sincerely, your ex lover, Erin