Friday, December 23, 2005

Let me describe a "Bilateral Orbital Advancement".
First they shave off your beautiful, bountious soft hair. Then they cut a zig zag line from ear to ear across your skull. They further the cut into your skull, and proceed to cut slits in the bone towards your forehead. They then bend the bone so it curves along the slits. Somehow-now here is the mystery-the create brow bones for you out of your own bone. The flap of skull is replaced and held together with bolts and small metal plates, some of which will dissolve, some of which are permanent. (this will forever complicate the airport security process.) The flap of skin is replaced and sewn back on. You will recieve a few units of donated blood. You will spend a night in the ICU under heavy sedation. By day three your eyes will be swollen shut and your head may swell to the size of a basketball. You will spend a week in the hospital, thankfully with heavy medication. You will then go home with less medication and start your recovery. Imagine you know this will happen to you soon. Worse yet-it's going to happen to your baby. And yes, you are happy that they feel she is healthy enough for this, her heart strong enough, and her brain "normal" enough, and you are thrilled at the potential for faster development, more development, more eye contact, but of course, you are scared. So your begin your countdown--54 days from today. You take a month off work and pray her hair grows back quickly, she doesn't suffer too much pain, and that it will be worth it.
So today you put her hair in a pony tail, and notice again how soft it is.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Preface: I am not pregnant.
Went to bed last night at 8:30 after staying home sick (read: tired) from work and dreampt vividly all night of big bellied women and broken apheresis machines. Woke up with a start to my alarm at 7:10 immediatly starving and still exhausted.
I am not pregnant.
Ate the following on Saturday: one bowl of Life and Great Grains cereal, mixed, 20 Dove dark chocolates, one Wendy's chicken sandwich minus tomato, one bowl cookie dough ice cream with chocolate syrup, 1.5 slightly stale donuts, one bag Reeses pieces, 10 or so peppermint sticks, 1/2 piece pizza, one homemade grilled cheese sandwhich, milk.
One day of binging does not a pregnancy make.
My sister in law calls me thrilled; the incredible Dr. Yamashiro has put her on a fertility drug. This is how they got their first daugher and holy terror Nieve. I think how I hope I can convince Zar adoption is the way to go from here on out. THANK GOD
I am not pregnant.
I remind Zar to bring my birth control up to my mom's where we are dog-sitting. He brings an empty case but no pills. Well it's abstinence for the next month then-because I assume you want to keep me
Not Pregnant.
I am dizzy, light headed, hungry, and absolutely pissed at everyone, especially my husband who can do no right lately, no matter how much he cleans. Please just let me sleep. Please make me another grilled cheese. Please feed the baby, I'm exhausted.
And even though the math and the pills and the date says it's impossible,
please, please please don't let me be pregnant.